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Community Reviews and Editing

May 29, 2017 at 12:08 pm

An anti-virus? Does that make the antagonist a virus?

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 1, 2017 at 11:38 am

No, but some of the antagonists' cronies are viruses. This work might contain puns.

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Jun. 1, 2017 at 11:33 pm

Sounds interesting.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 2, 2017 at 11:32 am

I'm glad you're interested!
The anti-virus in this story is being trained for a job similar to that of a security guard's.
Now I have a question to ask you, what could happen to someone if that person became the victim of a big ugly slander?

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Jun. 2, 2017 at 9:23 pm

1. Reputation might be destroyed. 2. People might abandon them. 3. They would probably have a new enemy.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 3, 2017 at 1:39 pm

That's pretty much what the plot is about.
In a nutshell, this anti-virus (named Aithe) is to protect someone from such slander, since they are in a place where getting a bad name is particularly dangerous. Right now, I'm sticking to writing the story in present tense.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 5, 2017 at 8:06 pm

Warning: yes I do know plenty about marine animals in general, but I decide to break biological rules for comical purposes. This may contain spoilers and might be labeled as a weird crossover, considering this involves characters from video games such as Journey and Abzu. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Aithe

It is around ten in the morning. In a cave carved into a short, sandstone bluff are three campers; me, Aithe Naoki, a short female black-furred nekomata in leather armor with dark green clothes hidden underneath, Arthur Burkhardt, a tan wolpertinger (minus antlers) with the same stature as me, in dragon skin armor, and one of the locals and one of our guests, Tashi, a tall, probably armless robed figure whose dark red and gold cloth blend in well with the tarps and blankets we used to sojourn for the past few days. Right now, we watch as Tashi paces around, and I'm staring at what are probably little cat ears under Tashi’s hood, along with the ocean lapping at the shore not too far away. Today is the day we’re supposed to leave, but right now, we have to wait for someone, and it's getting boring. Sitting here wrapped in a blanket, I growl, “I don't think it's a good idea to wait for our special guest, considering she lives in a place that has little chance of having any functioning clocks. And I thought you guys said she’s a blue streak.”

Tashi mutters in his musical note of a language and glares at me with his glowing eyes situated in his dark face, “Not really. She's something like a cheetah, so she's only fast for a few seconds, and besides, she's not a high-strung worrier; she likes to do things at her own pace.”

I cross my arms and grumble, “Well once she gets here, tell her she's slower than a lazy short-legged turtle going uphill.”

Arthur bursts in a fit of laughter and sputters, “Come on, Aithe, she's beaten me in all those races I had with her, and if you have to say turtle, why not a sea turtle!”

“Aw, forget it! I'm going to the stone docks to see if I can spot her!”

Arthur yells, “Sea her! Good one!” and goes back laughing while I throw off my blanket and black messenger bag and plod through the beach and it's dilapidated sandstone buildings. Almost all of them have murals and hieroglyphics decorating them as well as plenty of artifacts and shells. Past the ruins, where sand meets sea, are these stone pathways reaching out above the ocean by only a foot. The granite boardwalks (more like brick-walks) are ten feet wide and they are about fifty feet long. For a moment, the calm sea and the bright, cheery sky makes me forget my worn-out patience and puts me in a better mood. Wow. What am I doing here? Oh, right. Hmm.. I scan the horizon in search of what I expect to see someone weaving in and out of the water like a dolphin, and after a while, I do see a pod of dolphins coming in my direction. As they get closer, I see small spotted sharks and blocky, black and pinkish-orange fish with funny looking teeth among the breaching group. Whistles and other noises articulate as the menagerie of marine animals close in to my amazement. At the end of the pier where I'm standing five feet away, two black hands appear and cling on to the edge of the pier. Then a black face on a yellow, catlike head rise up along with a black neck and yellow shoulders. The figure shows itself to be about as tall as Tashi, and with some of the same facial features as him. As it (or she?) gets up, I spot two fluorescent yellow flippers retract into the diver’s feet. The stately and somewhat geometric black and yellow humanoid (it definitely has a human frame, but as far as I can tell, it's face only had eyes with pupils, so I don't think it's human) turns around to face the animals that followed it all the way over here and points toward the sea, as if saying, I'm sorry, but you have to go back. The fish and porpoises grunt and whistle and whine in disappointment, and they all left except for one of the goofy sheepheads (now I remember what they're called), this one being black, with a white underside and a blue middle and golden eyes instead of being orange, white, and black like the rest. The fish utters an ovine bleat and doesn't seem to want to leave and appears to gawk at the diver, with its mouth full of block shaped teeth. The diver waits patiently, now with arms crossed, and I notice a golden triangular design on its back instead of an oxygen tank; more proof this fellow’s not a human.

“Uh, who are-”

And then something red knocks me into the water.

“ABZU!”

I swim to the surface in a panic and I realize Tashi’s the one who knocked me over.

“*coughing* Dang it, Tashi!”

Tashi starts gabbing about the meeting and tells Abzu to come along.

“Oh, so our princess’ name is Abzu, that's nice….. and HELP ME OUT OF THE WATER, WILL YOU?”

They run down the pier without looking back to see how I'm doing after almost drowning. I groan and paddle back to shore.


When I finally come to shallow enough water, I plod back to shore to meet Arthur, who is doing his best to keep himself from laughing. He hands me my black messenger bag and jokes,

“Now it's you who is the slow poke. Better catch up with Abzu!”

I look at him for a second and I snatch the strap of my bag.

“We’ll see who's a stamp crab when I catch you!”

Arthur bounds up the carved in set of stairs and just when he reaches the top, he takes flight with his caramel colored wings. He knows I can't fly.

“Hey! That's not fair!”

Arthur shouts back, “Doesn't matter! We have a convention to go to, remember?”

“Oh, yeah. Duh.”

I can see two small figures up ahead on the orange stone road. I pant as I run, not due to the not-that-hot desert sun, but because my now wet clothes and bag are weighing me down. Up ahead is a wooden Oriental gate, for that's where we're heading for the first part of our journey. I see Arthur swoop down at the gate.

At the gate, Arthur sarcastically makes an exaggerated gesture and says in an explicit way, “Here is Aithe the Great, the Infallible, the-”

“I thought we have a convention to go to, not comedy tryouts.”

Luckily, we don't have to wait for long for our transportation to show up. In the distance, what appears to be a sandstorm brews up in the distance and out slowly trots a red and gold cab yoked to two busse deer, which are the same color as the cab. The driver is a nekomata with yellow fur and a mauve chauffeur’s outfit. The driver leans over and says,

“Good morning, ambassador Tashi. Aithe, Arthur, good morning, and I'm assuming this lovely lady is the newest member?”

Tashi replies, “Indeed, sir.”

Arthur and I open the doors to let Tashi and Abzu in, and let ourselves in and close the doors. The radio is on, the cab starts moving, and I watch as the landscape swirls until only a paling tan can be seen outside the windows. I’m feeling okay musing while sitting on fancy red upholstery and taking something out of my bag to dry myself, but Tashi, who is sitting next to me, nervously mutters something.

“What?”

Tashi articulates, “Do you know what to do when you get to the assembly?”

“Yes, Tashi, I do. Guard Abzu and make sure she comes back alive and uncorrupted. If my mentor doesn't think I have enough experience to handle a little chaperoning, she never would have gave me the job.”

Tashi sputters, “But the folks that are holding the assembly have something of a bad reputation. If a cat girl or sigbin or Heaven forbid-”

“Tashi, I have been trained and might still receive training from one of the most successful anti-virus generals in history, and not only am I certain her training is enough to make an excellent guard out of me, but I also know better than to focus on obstacles.”

Behind us Arthur says, “Speaking of not focusing, what about your heavy, soaked armor?”

I show him a wet, blue, crystal eight-pointed star.

“Atlantic star, bunny boy. You know I'm taught to not come unprepared.”

I spot the awkward way Arthur is petting Abzu, who looks totally fine looking out her window.

“Dude, you don't need to do that.”

Arthur gets smug and casually says, “You can never tell with automatons, Aithe, and between you and me,” he leans over and whispers, “Abzu may be mellow, but let's hope nothing happens to change that.” And Arthur goes back to comforting her.

Arthur sees the shocked look on my face.

“Yeah, it's a big responsibility, Aithe.”

“So, she's a robot?”

Arthur sighs, and he's still petting Abzu’s shoulder.

“You really should come to Abzu’s place once we get this over with."

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Jun. 6, 2017 at 11:31 pm

I'm not sure I understand the world, which makes reading this much harder.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 7, 2017 at 9:52 am

That's the problem with writing in present tense. Maybe I'll add a better description, but thanks for your comment.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 11, 2017 at 2:04 pm

Here's the introduction.
 
The place I live in can be described at best as very diverse. I come from a place where its most dangerous parts are dense forests with vicious poison fanged monsters, a place where portals can be found fairly easy, a place where the most unpredictable folks are the same creatures we anti-viruses normally protect, the pastel, often geometric beings called users. I think I am going to be one of the police force excluded from such a job, judging from the fact that I'm sent to a neighboring dimension to patrol this newly discovered coastline and the desert behind that coastline. The desert and its neighbor are quite different. In the Rithulian desert, as the visiting users call it, the only life forms are these things made of red and gold cloth, but here at the coast, you find crabs, seagulls, starfish, sand dollars, and an occasional pod of dolphins weaving in and out of the ocean. The ruins in the desert are different from the ruins here, which have Egyptian-style murals and Persian architecture. Only a few of the ruins here are big enough to bring a sense of awe, for almost all of the buildings more than two stories tall have crumbled to a point where they look like shacks if not for the intricate windows and neat murals. A stone’s throw behind the sandstone building farthest inland are these sandstone bluffs a few yards high. My experienced friends and I are camping in one of the caves in the bluffs, and right now, it is around ten in the morning. Now let me introduce myself and my fellow campers; me, Aithe Naoki, a Japanese girl with long black hair in leather armor with dark green clothes hidden underneath, Arthur Burkhardt, a tan wolpertinger (winged rabbit) about three and a half feet tall, in dragon skin armor, and one of the locals and one of our guests, Tashi, a tall, probably armless robed figure whose dark red and gold cloth blend in well with the tarps and blankets we used to sojourn for the past few days. Right now, we watch as Tashi paces around, and I'm staring at what are probably little cat ears under Tashi’s hood, along with the ocean lapping at the shore not too far away. Today is the day we’re supposed to leave, but right now, we have to wait for someone, and it's getting boring. Sitting here wrapped in a blanket, I growl,
“I don't think it's a good idea to wait for our special guest, considering she lives in a place that has little chance of having any functioning clocks. And I thought you guys said she’s fast.”

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Jun. 12, 2017 at 5:10 pm

This still confuses me a lot. I'm not really sure what all the words mean, like this 'wolpertinger'.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 17, 2017 at 3:27 pm

I edited my last reply. Also, I have plans on adding a bit of a plot twist telling the villain's backstory (not a monologue. One of the anti-viruses finds her journal instead)

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Jun. 18, 2017 at 11:06 am

I'm sorry, I just... really do not understand. When I think of anti-viruses, I think of human anatomy, so all the animals and ancient ruins confuse me.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 18, 2017 at 4:45 pm

Figures. Thanks though. The ruins in the game world are rather lengthy to describe. Persian architecture it has complex-looking carved celings (only in the important buildings such as temples and palaces) that might resemble stars or scales, and windows in the shape of a simple house drawing (a pentagon). The ruins at the coast aren't as colorful as some of the modern Persian-style buildings. None of the ruins have domes, and some of them have Greek columns. Also, I'll change some of the characters.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 22, 2017 at 2:17 pm

This is going to be a story that takes place in a world where morals are enforced by a certain type of monster. The narrator lived in a town where all of these "bothersome beasts" were wiped out in an act of rebellion. These stony creatures have pretty odd names, so if they are found to be confusing, they should be ignored for now.


You're probably wondering how a letter like this one from someone you’ve never heard of ended up in your mailbox, and why it has “READ ME. VERY IMPORTANT” written on it. I wrote this in the hopes of getting you and your townsfolk to avoid the same tragedy that had destroyed my hometown, so I beg you to read on.
The story here is just as crazy as well as it is true, so chances are you might think I have lost my mind. I wish I have, then none of this would have actually happened and I wouldn't have any reason to write and send you this letter.
 
My hometown was much like yours. Few problems plagued us, wilderness and civilization coexisted, peace prevailed, and our way of life was administered by the guardians of the town. The stony beasts that you might have seen on the news channel. The creatures that are now hated by so many. They were the “proud” and “selfish” stony or metallic creatures that were often seen shepherding people out in the streets. They were the lammasus that snorted and bellowed at those who offended them, the narguns whose beautiful black faces became the nightmare of politicians and civilians alike, the bronzerwingers whose razor sharp wings were seen the same way as the slaves of old saw the slave driver's whip. Newspapers and T.V. shows depicted these guardians as robots that only got in society's way. If you have lived under a rock for most of your life, then you wouldn't remember seeing the crowds that had wiped out the guardians that had “oppressed” them so.
My neighbors were one of those crowds you might have read or heard about. Many years ago, the people here used to follow their orders, just like your ancestors did, and we never thought of killing them, for if we ever did, the one who made them might just wreak havoc on us in revenge. I don't know why, but I guess since nobody has ever seen this man, we gradually began to fear his creations less and less, and hate them more and more. I used to dislike them myself, but I never hated them as much as everyone else had. Well, almost everyone.
I was never around when these statues towered over the people as they barked orders, but I was always around when the people cursed them. “These beasts only live for hate, and so do those that support them!” so many have told me. It was when I was talking to one of those folks that I have found out for myself. I was looking for a book about some of the various animals and plants of the world when I saw that one guy was reading a book about the “evil beasts” I have mentioned earlier. The cover’s golden background and the winged bronze rabbit seemed to be calling me over. It was a miracle that book was not tossed out of the library. For all I knew, it had to be hidden somewhere, “Excuse me, but how did you find that?”
The boy peered from his book, “In the mythology section.”
Of course. Few, if anyone, had gone to that part of the library, “So what part are you reading?”
His eyes flashed gold like those of a hawk in suspicion, but that expression subsided, “Oh, the benefits that come with having them in a town. These guys are pretty interesting, and they have good reason to do what they do.”
I was curious, “Really? Like what?”
He combed his hair with his fingers, “Well, to start off, there was scientific evidence that following their orders can actually make you live longer...”
And so we spent our time in the library discussing the guardians, the person who made them, what he was like, and anything related to the topic. For me, it was an eye-opener. Whenever I wasn't busy with schoolwork, I was yearning to meet one of these golems, maybe their creator also. An hour or so later, school was over and I began my walk back home. The sky was so cloudy that it seemed to be made of snow, though it was still fall. The wind did not fail in keeping the air cold, just the way many of us like it. It was like the moment I learned about these guardians, it seemed to add a sense of wonder in the world, strange it may seem. I looked about to see just where one of them could be, amidst the pedestrians and the cars on the road.

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Nov. 24, 2017 at 12:03 am

In all honesty, I'm having a bit of a hard time reading this due to the spacing-- I'm sorry, I just... it's all one wall of text.
 
From what I did see, there's a bit of an info-dump at the beginning regarding these creatures and their actions, and also "this man".
 
 

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Nov. 24, 2017 at 9:25 am

Thanks for your response! 

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