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Community Reviews and Editing

wolvesandwildernessThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Apr. 7 at 3:22 pm

So most threads for the whole quid pro quo reading others' work thing fade pretty quickly, especially since they're always made in the Fiction forum. Collaborative Writing doesn't see a lot of action, so it's probably best to put it here. This is for you to post your works for review and to review others' in return.
Some basic rules: 
1. Constructive criticism is good, but don't be a jerk. 
2. I will be blunt in reviewing, and I doubt I'll be the only one. Don't take too much offense if there's quite a few things to correct- it's all to help you, and I'll need it, too.
3. Don't attack the reviewer. They're trying to help you.
4. No plagiarism. Do not look at someone's work here and take it. 

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Apr. 7 at 3:26 pm

I'll start. This is a description of one of my antagonists.
 
He looked exactly as a tyrant should: he sat on the throne not with a lounging grace, like a king born to it, but upright and alert, ready for challengers. His crown rested easily on his hair, ornately wrought gold contrasting sharply with the dark locks in their military cut. His face was harsh but his eyes were harsher, so dark a brown that they were almost black, deep and drowning. But the feature that stood out the most was the scar stretching its way from the left side of his jaw across his neck. The scar said survivor, and a tough one at that.

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VictrixThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 7 at 6:25 pm

A couple of things:
1. It seems like a comma would be needed in between throne and not.
2. A military haircut would not necessarily allow for locks of hair, military favors more of a buzzcut.
3. I think "a brown so dark that it was" sounds better than "So dark a brown they were" (that's just my opinion, though)
4. Starting a sentence with 'But' is a little off-putting (although it can be done) and looks slightly strange.

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Apr. 7 at 7:11 pm

1. I had asked someone about the "throne not" or "throne, not" question; they said the first was proper grammar. I don't know; I'll research it.
2. That's true, thank you. I wasn't sure about the word 'locks'. 
3. I might keep this as is out of my own personal preference, but thank you.
4. I was curious about that one too- I wanted it to be a bit jarring, but I wasn't sure about starting the sentence with "but". I wasn't sure what else to say in place of it. 
 
So how about...
He looked exactly as a tyrant should: he sat on the throne not with a lounging grace, like a king born to it, but upright and alert, ready for challengers. His crown rested easily on his [head], ornately wrought gold contrasting sharply with the dark [hair] in its military cut. His face was harsh but his eyes were harsher, so dark a brown that they were almost black, deep and drowning. But the feature that stood out the most was the scar stretching its way from the left side of his jaw across his neck. The scar said survivor, and a tough one at that.
 
The things in brackets are what I have changed. Again, I didn't know what to replace "but" with.
 
Thank you for your review- anything of yours that you want me to look at?

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VictrixThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 8 at 2:43 pm

You're welcome! The changes do make it flow more easily.
I may have something in a day or so, but right now it's still in the idea phase. I'm working on a new chapter for my story, and I'm trying to figure out how to add a romance, but a 100% PG rated one.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 11 at 7:47 pm

Yeah, my new story is in the same phase (but I'm going to plan it out and write down the chunks I'm already thinking about in detail).
BTW, PG rated? falls down on knees
Thank you!!

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Apr. 11 at 9:28 pm

I don't really mind if it's more than PG, so don't consider that an obstacle.

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JtatsuThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 12 at 12:30 pm

I just uploaded a new work called Prophet. Can anyone spare some time to look at it and tell me what they think? 

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Apr. 12 at 3:21 pm

I really like it- like it might be one of my favorite pieces I've seen on TI. I didn't see any errors and the story itself is interesting. Are you planning on doing more, or is it just the martyrdom? Because I think that'd make a really good story, someone struggling to fulfill their duty to a deity and to their people while also trying to maintain righteousness in a dark world.

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JtatsuThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 12 at 5:47 pm

It was originally meant to be just a one-shot thing, but maybe I'll consider making it a full story one day. Thanks for the feedback! 

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 15 at 4:45 pm

So far I basically got the beginning...in a basic plan, which is how I plan to start my stories and hopefully not run into a writer's wall face first.

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Apr. 15 at 6:52 pm

If you ever get stuck, maybe what helps me will help you: write a scene from the POV of another character (especially your antagonist). It definitely helps, and it can make sure than your character acts like themselves from the original POV.

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Apr. 15 at 8:55 pm

I'm not sure if I can ask for anyone to read the novel I put up (not the whole thing, but if you would like to that would be great).
TeenInk.com/novels/realistic_fiction/book/172736/Together-Were-Trouble/

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Apr. 15 at 9:30 pm

So I've gotten to chapter (page?) 7, and it seems interesting. Couple of things- it's a bit hard to keep up with all the characters and there are few spelling/grammar errors.

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Apr. 15 at 9:30 pm

*a few         

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 21 at 4:03 pm

So here's one of my articles I'm close to finishing. The other I'll post later.
The Night Before Metamorphosis
May 4, 1920
To Whom It May Concern
For the past few days, I had to keep a terrible secret. I did something I'm not proud of, but I did my best to act innocent of what has happened only not too long ago. I'm surprised that even though it has been and still is the talk of the town, no one has put two and two together, but I fear it will be a matter of time before anyone finds out. The crime I committed was I turned an innocent human into a roach.
I'm glad nobody around here has discovered that an idiot apprentice of a werewolf named Kristoff Novak had anything to do with this "metamorphosis" incident, but if they ever found out, they might think I did this for the sake of an especially twisted joke, they might compare me to a criminal that comes and goes like the wind, but please, let me explain!
This started when I became an apprentice for Mister Martinek, a master magician and pharmacist, only a week or so ago. Sadly, I was only transferred to him when my former master, Sir Ruzicka, died in a horrific accident when he was sent to capture and kill an exotic but dangerous spirit, and in his will he wrote if anything was to happen to him, I was to be sent to his long time friend, Sir Martinek, who in my opinion was rather shady.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Apr. 27 at 9:14 am

That's from my upcoming work The Night Before Metamorphosis: Part One.

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May 1 at 9:17 pm

I'm not really sure what this is; I'd need more details about the project to critique. It sounds interesting, though,

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 9 at 5:40 pm

Yeah. Also, it just got published. Probably should have put some endnotes.

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SparaxisThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
May 29 at 11:25 am

And I am currently writing about an anti-virus as the protagonist in an Internet related story. I know that sounds rather boring, but hopefully it won't turn out poorly.

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