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Can I have some advice please?

StephanyMoore3401 posted this thread...
Oct. 24, 2017 at 10:49 pm

A pale girl with green eyes wanders along the halls

Among the people she thought she could have called friends.

She tries to hard to keep that smile on her face

And to make people laugh

Until she came of as annoying.

She just kept her smile and her jokes to herself

So she wouldn’t talk and had a blank expression
“Whats wrong?” people would ask, “you’re not being yourself.”

You would too if being yourself wasnt what others wanted to be around.
She was so used to not being herself that she turned into an entirely different person.

She didnt do anything

Went day by day.

She was so full of boredom, that she wanted to escape

Escape form reality
She went into her mother’s medicine cabinet and stole a bottle of pills.
The pale girl with the green eyes immidiately turned bloodshot

As she swallowed a couple of bitter pills
She then realized her escape was this reallity.

She could leave her reality in the real world

To the reality of her comatosed mind.
Her pills eventually turned into a habit.
The girl with green eyes waas a drug addict.

For years, she inhaled thousand pf bitter pills to be in her reality.

Its her escapefrom the real world now.
He is the substitute of these drugs.

He is her drug.

Just one soft kiss is like a million hits off a joint.

Just one gaze into his eyes is like flaoting into space infinitely.

Just one syllable spoken by his voice is a lullaby she could sleep for an eternity.

It terrifies her that he has the power to do these things to her.

But she is willing to be scared for the rest of her life if it means she can be forever with him. Sges willing for a chance at love and to be with her new addiction.

Forever and always.

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lasombra replied...
Oct. 25, 2017 at 9:36 am

I really like this poem, though there are a few spelling mistakes. i can relate a bit to the girl in this poem.

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StephanyMoore3401 replied...
Oct. 25, 2017 at 7:20 pm

Thank you, I will be looking forward to reading some of your work. :)

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JJ_LoneThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Oct. 26, 2017 at 4:29 pm

I like this a lot. Though the structure and some grammatical errors could be fixed. This is really good. Great detail and great use of imagery. Though, I do recommend having some sort of transition between her starting the drugs to her meeting the guy. It just kind of shifts to that really fast but otherwise AMAZEBALLS

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StephanyMoore3401 replied...
Oct. 26, 2017 at 7:10 pm

Awww, thank you for your critique. :) I read some of your poems, and they are amazing. 

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SilentlyThinking replied...
Oct. 28, 2017 at 3:33 pm

First and foremost, proofread. Try grammarly, it's really helpful for spelling and grammatical errors that would otherwise slip by unnoticed. The concept of the poem is interesting. I like how it moves from a naive girl who tries to be friendly, to a girl who hides herself, to a drug addict, to someone who has a dependence on another person. One thing I will say is to show, not tell. When saying she becomes annoying, try instead to show us what she sees that she realizes people find her annoying. Do they roll their eyes and exchange uninterested glances with peers when she approaches? Do they move to the other side of the hallway when she comes near? Also, lines that simply state how she feels (e.g. "she became bored") also should be displayed in other ways, or even just removed entirely. Some parts of this piece also strike me as unrealistic. It seems to be missing a lot of things that would realistically occur between separate events. How does someone go from bubbly and friendly to dull and closed off on their own? What did she do or see to inspire her to immediately start taking pills (of what kind? Prescription pain killers? Antacids? Important detail here; not all drugs are addictive) to get high? Usually, people will start with something else; smoking or drinking with friends, for example, which will then lead to them looking for a stronger high to escape to. Also, where did this man come from? Did she already know him? Did they meet at a bar where she was drinking to escape her dull world? I like your writing, but I think it would benefit from some tweaking. Some parts are very specific and detailed, others are extremely vague... You may try to find a balance to keep it relatively consistent. I hope this can help you with your writing at least a little! You have a lot of creativity and a natural affinity for writing that will no doubt blossom with the right practice and skills.

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StephanyMoore3401 replied...
Oct. 28, 2017 at 6:28 pm

Thank you thank you thank you for you criticism, I reall have benefitted from this forum ever since I have joined
. :)

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