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opinions and feedback please

lasombra posted this thread...
Oct. 20, 2017 at 10:36 am

respect


I will never understand

Those men, who

Treat women as objects

I will never forgive those

Who treat anyone

As less than human.

WE ARE ALL PEOPLE!

We all deserve respect,

Until there is a reason

To disrespect.

Any man, or person

That treats another

As less than human,

As an object,

As property...

I immediately lose respect for them.
I do not care what you wear!

If you want to feel beautiful,

Wear beautiful clothes!

I do not care what you look like,

You deserve to be you.
Do not, ever, let ANYONE

call you any, 

ANY, derogatory term.

Because they are angry!

They are jealous!

They are envious!

And they are blind,

Blind to your beauty,

Blind to your mind,

Blind to your hardships.

Because you ARE beautiful,

In mind, body, and spirit,

You go through a lot,

But don’t forget…

Others do too.

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StephanyMoore3401 replied...
Oct. 24, 2017 at 10:07 pm

This is a beautiful peace, and it really pulled on my heart strings. I hope to read some more of your work. Kepp posting, because youre extremely good at this.! <3

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lasombra replied...
Oct. 25, 2017 at 9:32 am

thank you, I hope to keep posting when I can.

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SilentlyThinking replied...
Oct. 28, 2017 at 3:38 pm

This poem is very well written and the flow of it will translate beautifully to spoken word. However, there are two lines that I feel hold it back "I immediately lose respect for them" this can be eliminated from the piece. It feels out of place and a bit too conversational, which I find throws off the flow "Do not ever let anyone" this can be changed to something that flows better. something as simple as "do not let them" would flow a lot better with the rest of the piece Otherwise, I really enjoy this. Keep writing with your eyes open and you'll breathe a little bit of life into this dying world with each word.

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lasombra replied...
Oct. 30, 2017 at 11:33 am

thank you for the feedback. I must say that the "do not let them" piece flowed better in the original but I had to make the poem more child appropriate to put it on the forums.

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gracyyy329 replied...
Nov. 18, 2017 at 1:27 pm

This is very good! keep up the writing. I also wrote about a topic similar to this so I see all the great points made!

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lasombra replied...
Nov. 21, 2017 at 11:33 am

thank you very much!

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Cyber_Hippos replied...
Nov. 21, 2017 at 2:49 pm

I really like the part about blindness because I can relate. I also like the different puncation on the end.

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lasombra replied...
Nov. 22, 2017 at 6:56 pm

thank you. and I love your username.

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MercadezLuvsU2This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Dec. 1, 2017 at 3:35 pm

You know I feel like all women get disrespected a lot. I recently had a argument with someone who said men should get respect too, I told her that they get the most respect out of us. I mean we weren't able to work and now we are. We mature faster and we try so hard to show every man that we are something. I mean we're not an object.

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lasombra replied...
Dec. 1, 2017 at 7:36 pm

amen to that. what surprises most people is that im a guy. 

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Gerald-McCoy replied...
Dec. 3, 2017 at 1:18 am

it's fine i guess but a couple problematic things. You talk about how beauty is personalized but then contradict this by saying that people can wear beautiful clothes. Sure, they can choose to but doesn't that preclude people who feel beautiful without socially structured 'beautiful' clothes? I mean, what is 'beautiful'? You want to take it on vectors of the personal. Also, I persoally think this poem is a bit poorly structured. It truly doesn't flow. Caps locking lines adds absoloutly nothing.

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lasombra replied...
Dec. 4, 2017 at 9:24 am

I understand what you are saying. originally I had the beautiful clothes line saying something different but had to make it more kid-appropriate. this also affected the flow of it. the reason the lines are caps locked is actually because I wrote it in google docs and they automatically capitalize a new line when you press enter. I wwill work on making it flow better and find a way to stop the capitalization. thank you for this constructive feedback.

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