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opinions and feedback please

lasombraThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. posted this thread...
Oct. 20 at 10:36 am

respect


I will never understand

Those men, who

Treat women as objects

I will never forgive those

Who treat anyone

As less than human.

WE ARE ALL PEOPLE!

We all deserve respect,

Until there is a reason

To disrespect.

Any man, or person

That treats another

As less than human,

As an object,

As property...

I immediately lose respect for them.
I do not care what you wear!

If you want to feel beautiful,

Wear beautiful clothes!

I do not care what you look like,

You deserve to be you.
Do not, ever, let ANYONE

call you any, 

ANY, derogatory term.

Because they are angry!

They are jealous!

They are envious!

And they are blind,

Blind to your beauty,

Blind to your mind,

Blind to your hardships.

Because you ARE beautiful,

In mind, body, and spirit,

You go through a lot,

But don’t forget…

Others do too.

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StephanyMoore3401 replied...
Oct. 24 at 10:07 pm

This is a beautiful peace, and it really pulled on my heart strings. I hope to read some more of your work. Kepp posting, because youre extremely good at this.! <3

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lasombraThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Oct. 25 at 9:32 am

thank you, I hope to keep posting when I can.

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SilentlyThinkingThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Oct. 28 at 3:38 pm

This poem is very well written and the flow of it will translate beautifully to spoken word. However, there are two lines that I feel hold it back "I immediately lose respect for them" this can be eliminated from the piece. It feels out of place and a bit too conversational, which I find throws off the flow "Do not ever let anyone" this can be changed to something that flows better. something as simple as "do not let them" would flow a lot better with the rest of the piece Otherwise, I really enjoy this. Keep writing with your eyes open and you'll breathe a little bit of life into this dying world with each word.

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lasombraThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Oct. 30 at 11:33 am

thank you for the feedback. I must say that the "do not let them" piece flowed better in the original but I had to make the poem more child appropriate to put it on the forums.

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gracyyy329 replied...
Nov. 18 at 1:27 pm

This is very good! keep up the writing. I also wrote about a topic similar to this so I see all the great points made!

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lasombraThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
today at 11:33 am

thank you very much!

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Cyber_Hippos replied...
today at 2:49 pm

I really like the part about blindness because I can relate. I also like the different puncation on the end.

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