Chapter One - Don’t Be Afraid To Get Wet
When killing yourself you need to set a good foundation. Begin small. Start by lowering your self esteem little by little each day. Look at your face in a mirror and point out your imperfections. It doesn’t matter how small, or how insignificant, they might be. Do you have a zit? A pimple? Perhaps a small mole you received at birth? Anything that makes you look different from the models you see on instagram. That’s a great place to start! Look at the mirror and see that flaw. Only your flaw. If you see anything else: beauty, happiness, attractiveness of any kind, stop looking.
Chapter Two - Testing The Waters
Begin degrading yourself. Not just when looking at the mirror, but also when you eat lunch, when you go to school, when you receive a bad grade. Remember, everyone else around you is perfect, and happy, and beautiful, and talented, and you... You are not. Remind yourself of this fact everyday. Remind yourself of this fact when you eat pancakes for breakfast, and feel the fat between your legs. Remind yourself of this fact when you get a C+ on your english test and your best friend gets an A. Remind yourself of this fact when you see tall legged beauties walk down the halls of your school like angels with halos. Remind yourself that you will never be like them.
Chapter Three - Wading Up To Your Knees
Compare yourself to others whenever you can. When the girls during gym compare their weight behind closed locker doors, listen intently to the numbers hidden under their skin. Remind yourself that you are five pounds heavier than Jessica, seven pounds heavier than Lily, and twelve pounds heavier than Anna. And when you receive an 85% on a test you studied all night for, and Johanna who sits behind you gets a 90% when she had forgotten to study for the test last night, let yourself feel stupid. And when you can’t hit that high note in choir no matter how hard you try, but the girl next to you can, effortlessly, elegantly… Let yourself feel useless.
Chapter Four - Wading Up To Your Hips
Don’t tell anyone what you are actually feeling. When your mother asks you “are you okay” during dinner, because she cooked your favorite dish, and you have barely touched your plate, look her straight in the eye, smile, and say “I’m fine”. When your best friend asks if you are mad at her because you refused to tell her the grade you got on the math test yesterday, look her straight in the eye, smile, and say “no”. When your friends at lunch ask why you don’t have a packet lunch like usual, look them in the eyes, smile, and say “I forgot it.”
Chapter Five - Wading Up To Your Chest
Begin to hurt yourself physically. When you are crying one night at 11pm, screw out the razor blade in your small portable pencil sharpener and begin to cut your wrists. Start shallow. Simply cuts that an angry cat could have given to you. Then begin to press a little harder, cry a little louder and let the water from your bathtub, flow a little faster. Then put on a sweater with long sleeves, despite the hot weather outside. When someone asks you why you are wearing a sweater, pretend you were cold.
Chapter Six - Getting Your Head Wet
Don’t get help. Don’t allow your best friend to see the cuts on your wrists, even if this means wearing an 80 degree sweater during gym class. Don’t allow your teacher, Mrs. Smith, to call your parents to pick you up from school when she finds you, alone, crying in the girls bathroom. Tell her you just had something in your eye. Don’t allow yourself to get pulled into the “love yourself” mottos and the “you are beautiful” posters that you see them in the hallway, printed on t-shirts, painted on signs. You know they are merely lies.
Chapter Seven - Tying The Weights
Isolate yourself. Refuse to text your friends back and ignore your best friend’s voice mail. Tell your family you have too much studying to do and that you’d like to eat in your bedroom while you work. Then flush the meal down the toilet. To chase away boredom from being alone, think about dumb things you regret doing. Like kissing your friend’s boyfriend at her birthday party last year, or the time you stole twenty dollars from mom to buy candy from the local grocery store, or the time you broke your sister’s brand new laptop at Christmas and made her cry. Tell yourself how worthless and stupid you are. How great things would have been if you had never been born. Tell yourself how happy everyone would be if you just disappeared.
Chapter Eight - Drown
When you kill yourself, whether it be by overdose, or hanging, or drowning. Just remember, that when you take that last breath of yours, say those last words of yours, and think those last thoughts of yours. Just remember that you are worthless, and nothing, and empty, and the world, the whole damn world, will be better off without you around.
No one will even notice when you are gone.
Chapter Nine - Dry
If your parents notice that something is missing from the medicine cabinet, and call an ambulance when they discover you with an empty pill container in your hand, lying on your bed like a corpse. Or someone finds you strangling yourself, with the new leather belt your father bought for you for your birthday last October and pull you down from the ceiling while you cough out screams and shouts. Or if someone dives into the icy cold river water with you, pulling off the weights you so neatly tied to your legs and drag you back to the surface.
Cry and regret it all. Regret the past six months you spent alone in your room when you could’ve been eating dinner with your family. Regret all the times you cried alone in your school bathroom because now you know that your best friend would have been willing to come and cry with you. Regret the times you beat yourself up for getting a C on a test when last time you got an A. Regret the times you looked at yourself in the mirror and thought only of the zit under your mouth and not of the brightness of your eyes and dimples on your cheeks. Regret the times you cut yourself alone in the bathroom because now your beautiful wrists will be scarred forever. Regret all the meals you missed out on, after school ice cream with friends and big family dinners surrounding bowls of pasta and chicken. Regret hating yourself for no reason. Regret insulting yourself everyday you woke up. Regret everything. Regret it all, and cry. Cry because you are beautiful, and you are perfect, and you are worth it, and you are more valuable than all the diamonds in the world. Cry because you are alive, and you almost threw that away.