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*Sixth grade, walking to my locker. I see one of my closest friends standing with a group of older students. She walks up to my locker, points at one of my locker luckies and laughs.
“O-McDonald had a farm!” she laughed on.
They all joined in with the laughter. She didn’t see me, nor did I need her to.
Monachopsis,“The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place”(The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows).
I think everyone has had this feeling at least once in their life. Most people don’t even know there is a word for this feeling. When I was in sixth grade, I didn’t know there was a word for this feeling either. In that moment, I was mostly just upset. Confused with the fact that my once close friend was now making fun of me.
Deciding to rather let it go than make a huge fuss over it, I went on with my day. That day seemed to be sluggish. The friend that I once got in trouble for talking too much to, would barely say a word to me. That day turned into days, those days into weeks and those weeks to months. Those months defined by the birthday parties that I wasn’t invited to, glazed with the secrets and rumors that stabbed into my back. All topped with the final cherry, of the friends that I was once so close to pushing me out of the group as a hole.
Monachopsis,“The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat,”(The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows).
Not knowing where I belonged was like the weight of an elephant crushing down on my small shoulders. Heavy as if the life was going to be squished right out of me. I think again we have all experienced this feeling from the loss of a loved one, joining a new school, or quitting a sport. It’s that feeling of being shunned, shutout, and shooed away that eats away at us from the inside out.
() “The only thing worse than not knowing where she belonged… was knowing where she didn’t” (Tessa Shaffer). This quote represents this feeling as well. $This feeling, the acid of the brain, torturing what is there until nothing's left.# A hole, where the feelings of being close to someone, having friends, and even the feeling of belonging once stood.
@Monachopsis, “The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, and effortlessly at home,” (The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows).
As time continued on, my feeling seemed to as well. Finally, a new friend group fished me out of that dark hole, bringing brightness, joy, caring and a feeling of home back into my social life. These people pulled me from the darkest corners of my mind, the place where the walls were high and emotions buried deep. They broke through the walls, crushed the barriers and erased the fake smile that I wore, replacing it with a real one.% They demolished the feeling of monachopsis, the darkness that once graced my mind and filled it with the golden hues of belonging. The feeling of being stuck in a winter blizzard slowly melted into a spring where I let go more and more, unti summer was finally in full blast. The summer that warmed my mind. The summer that made me who I am today.