Births

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Thy sack of stars lay scattered on the moors,
The brittle boughs and freckles on the frost;
She comes, from grit, from breeze, from everything,
Barefoot, leaping onto the Popsicle;
A cheeky blast wraps her from head to toe,
Those splintered souls converge---ebb, flow.
Oh, shivers on a bud, a freezing dew------
She wonders how such flickered waltz die out.
From clouds above to earth below, she flows,
Tapping about, collides with rigid wool.
A heavy revving echoes with rippling snow,
which splits the air, but pads with saccharine rose;
Tumble o’er rush, How grand! These whirling souls
A thicker colour falls, more steps, she fades?






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addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 8 at 9:32 am
The imagery in this piece is intriguing. I especially like the first line, “Thy sack of stars lay scattered on the moors”. There are just a few things I would recommend to change. Instead of using multiple hyphens, which are only meant to be used inside of hyphenated words, replace them with an em dash (—), which is used to separate sentence parts and can be obtained by pressing the ALT key and then 0151 if you are on Windows. Also, I would suggest adding “could” between “waltz” an... (more »)
 
Dewcollector replied...
Apr. 15 at 8:27 am
Thx for your reply! In Chinese poems, we oft use a long dash(——), but I didn't know how to tyoe it in English keyboard so I just used multiple hyphens. Thanks for your suggestion! Also, I was trying to convey the sound of a snowplow about the "heavy revving". I will try to to clarify a bit more about that:) Frankly speaking, English is my second language, so I feel really lucky to have someone comment on my immature work, thx!!
 
Shaw said...
Apr. 2 at 3:56 am
love it ❤
 
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