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One Day

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It’s been 10 years
But I still think of you
All the time we laughed
All you pulled me through

I wish you were still here
I know it’s a part of life
But this hurts more
Than a stab from a knife

I never guessed
How much I would need you
I need your guidance
I don’t know what to do

But I can’t change it
I guess I have to move on
Fight through the night
An wait until dawn

So rest in peace
You have ran your race
I know one day
I will again see your face




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Vicky11 said...
Jul. 30, 2011 at 11:05 am:
Touching and sweet. I think your grandfather will be happy that you wrote this for him...where ever he is .)
 
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DeusExMachina said...
Jul. 30, 2011 at 10:39 am:

Hey! I know you said you'd like some constructive criticism, so I'll do my best. On the up side, I can really feel the emotion and it feels genuine. On the other hand, my biggest thing to work on would be your meter or rhythm, whichever you prefer. Since you are doing a rhyming poem, you need to be careful that the syncopation and rhyme helps the poem rather than hinders it. One example would be the second stanza where the reader may have to read it two or three times to get the right beat.more »)

 
DeusExMachina replied...
Jul. 30, 2011 at 10:41 am :

well apparently my more button isnt working, so as I was saying...

I like you emotion and what I said is just something to think about.

 
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thetruthawaits94This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 4:59 pm:
Try putting some different vocabulary. So more meaningful words to make it even stronger. ON the fourth stanza change I need your guidance to Without your guidance, because you repeat i need twice in that stanza and it just would sound better i think. First stanza: change all the time we laughed to the many times we laughed for the same reason as to not repeat words. then add And onto the last line so it's like you're listing the things you are thinking about. ... (more »)
 
Jesusfreak78 replied...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 5:19 pm :
thanks lol
 
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thetruthawaits94This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 1:22 pm:
Yes, very nice and touching. I can really feel your emotion. it's so real. Keep writing.
 
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ohheyyyelli said...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 1:00 pm:
A very touching poem. Good work[:
 
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blitsnik said...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 12:57 pm:
I really liked it. my fav part was the "Fight through the night, and wair until dawn" just because it stuck out the most. great job!
 
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redhairCatThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 11:37 am:
An should be and. Other than that -  you did a really good job. When my grandfather passed away it was one of the saddest moments in my life. I know how you feel.
 
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LoveOnHerArms said...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 8:41 am:
This was very sweet and touching really nice job keep it up :)
 
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