Old Habits and Dead Ends

March 20, 2018
By FFR.Nobody SILVER, Gahanna, Ohio
FFR.Nobody SILVER, Gahanna, Ohio
7 articles 2 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide, as artist drawing, writing, blogging, photography etc. we have the power to reach out and and tell a story an be heard. Communicate even when its hard"


     I sit in the corner in the dark my head held low tears clouding my vision as I try to see I try to breath I try to feel; what’s the point? I hold the blade in my hand I take a breath I let the tears fall one cut two cuts three cuts four cuts five blood runs down I have feeling back as I scream out a broken cry but what's the use no one ever hears me no one ever cares?! I throw my head against the wall hitting my bruised fists against the ground crying out screaming I look at my arms and legs covered in blood bruises scars and cuts through blurry eyes I try to breath what’s the point in keeping this up I should just end it once and for all this world would be better off without me I don’t belong here I f*** everything up I hurt everyone who gets near I’d be doing this world a favor I’m not wanted I’m not needed I’m just a mistake a problem that needs to be erased did I ever really exist?!! I scream in the dark throwing my head back hitting the ground and then myself with my fist I kick and hit and scream and cry there's no point in life I see no need in me living anymore I lay there bloody on the floor in the dark corner crying my mind takes full power full control I’m already dead it’s time to end everything

    I lost everything along with myself when you left the world turned into hell everything went to s*** war everywhere everything was so loud screaming and yelling surrounded 24/7 no relief no brake no escape we both distanced a million thousand miles apart nowhere turn to nowhere to go both all alone far apart found relief in old habits you feel to everyone's words started drugs I feel for everyone's beating started hurting myself all so we could feel something get a break a relief from hell you gave up and so did I and we both said the end

    I want to think I wanna believe we’ll find each other again that we can find relief in each other like before that there’s still hope to save each other that we’ll fight through this that this isn’t the end I try and hold on to it as hard as I can I think to myself I want to fight harder!!!! But I wake up and fight to get out of bed 10 min before I leave yell at my brother to warn him throw close on put a band in my hair skip my meds throw them away grab my stuff wishing I never woke up I walk through the halls sit through the classes invisible head down silent not saying a word not paying attention to anything not doing my work on the verge of tears every second of the day I become short tempered anything and everything can set me off I bite my lip scratch my arm bloody fighting to keep the tears back as I choke throwing up in the bathroom all I think is I want it to end I walk the sidewalks cross the road not watching for cars I lost appetite I eat a bite a night barely enough I hide in my room snap at my family at night when it’s silent I cut I scream I hit I kick I punch I wish it all to be over I wish to be dead I wish for you to be there holding me telling me everything's ok that you're right there I cry myself to sleep I wake up I repeat I say I should fight harder but how I lost all energy motivation reasoning I hold on to hope that seems impossible as it’s the only thing still alive in me when the rest is dead

    I lost everything along with myself when you left the world turned into hell everything went to s*** war everywhere everything was so loud screaming and yelling surrounded 24/7 no relief no brake no escape we both distanced a million thousand miles apart nowhere turn to nowhere to go both all alone far apart found relief in old habits you feel to everyone's words started drugs I feel for everyone's beating started hurting myself all so we could feel something get a break a relief from hell you gave up and so did I and we both said the end

    You say things have gone to s*** you say you're so stressed out you aren’t very happy anymore but extremely tired instead you are a lot quieter and run down you want it to go away you say you're done with the bull crap you're done caring you're tired of it you want the stress to end you never gave the possibility or hope of things getting better you didn’t care you didn’t want to think so you smoke and start up drugs to make it go away because you were tired of punching the wall you were done you just wanted everything to go for the stress to go the hurt you sat alone didn’t hang out in any group you don’t smile or joke your not energetic like you use to be you say you know you have people who care but it doesn’t faze you you do it anyway you say nothing can change your mind you're done

    You lost everything along with yourself when you left the world turned into hell everything went to s*** war everywhere everything was so loud screaming and yelling surrounded 24/7 no relief no brake no escape we both distanced a million thousand miles apart nowhere turn to nowhere to go both all alone far apart found relief in old habits you feel to everyone's words started drugs I feel for everyone's beating started hurting myself all so we could feel something get a break a relief from hell you gave up and so did I and we both said the end

    That day we both lost ourselves we both died and picked up old habits gave up and quit trying just moving day to day dead face the facts both of us were a lot happier together we both came alive in each other we had something special we had something amazing something we’ll never find in someone else we keep each other going we took each other's stress and worries away we were the best when we were thinking together no one could separate us we had the strongest love for each other like none other we both completed each other gave a reason to try and nothing can get rid of that it's a fact together we were alive and allot happier

    we lost everything along with ourselves when you left the world turned into hell everything went to s*** war everywhere everything was so loud screaming and yelling surrounded 24/7 no relief no brake no escape we both distanced a million thousand miles apart nowhere turn to nowhere to go both all alone far apart found relief in old habits you feel to everyone's words started drugs I feel for everyone's beating started hurting myself all so we could feel something get a break a relief from hell you gave up and so did I and we both said the end

    We both were gone the difference is I have a tiny bit of hope that's still alive in someone who's dead and that's all that matters that's all it takes to get something started as you build the rest you know everything I said is true deep down you know what's right what we had was amazing we were happier and alive together we had something extremely special that we can’t find in any one else nothing will change it in everything we never had a real chance at it why not start over give it a real chance a second chance we both have feelings deep down under the hurt and pain what's the harm in trying all we need is a bit of hope and a bit of love to start it build the rest along the way what could it really hurt

    we lost everything along with ourselves when you left the world turned into hell everything went to s*** war everywhere everything was so loud screaming and yelling surrounded 24/7 no relief no brake no escape we both distanced a million thousand miles apart nowhere turn to nowhere to go both all alone far apart found relief in old habits you feel to everyone's words started drugs I feel for everyone's beating started hurting myself all so we could feel something get a break a relief from hell you gave up and so did I and we both said the end but what if it’s not the end what if we give it a second chance and find revive each other what could it hurt what's the harm in trying it’s an adventure and a journey worth discovering an all we have to do is hit start over maybe are story just began instead of saying the end



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