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Unsteady

go, go, go on,

go leave me,

when I'm a little unsteady,

a little unsteady.

mama,

she left,

no approach,

disappeared.

daddy, I'm alone,

this house never felt like home

you don't love me,

you let go

you don't love me,

you let go.

you don't love me,

you let go,

when I felt lost,

helpless,

unsteady.

go, go, go on,

go leave me

because i'm a little unsteady

a little unsteady

mother, I know,

that you're tired of being my mom

dad I know your trying

to fly because I feel like dying

you don't love me you let go

you don't love me you let go

go,go

go on

go leave me

when im going unsteady

going unsteady




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makeupartist16 said...
today at 2:51 pm
I like the emotion you put into. The repetition of 'go,go,go on' is great, but some of the repetitious phrases could be edited. It is more of a stylistic preference. You also add some lines about how it feels to be unsteady. You say why you feel unsteady,but you never elaborate on what that feeling is. overall, great job!
 
Inspiringyou2_stayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Mar. 16 at 10:50 am
@ tigerlilyorange I have edited this poem. i hope you enjoy the newer version when it comes out. thanks so much for your feed back! that is the type i am looking for!!!!
 
tigerlilyorangeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 14 at 6:46 pm
You said in the forum you wanted some critique... Just a few technicalities first: you spelled you're wrong as your. Also sometimes you capitalize and sometimes not. I think you could make it more powerful if you didn't, as that is how most of the poem is written. I like the repetition of go go on, but it varies how you say it. Maybe consider having one phrase you consistently bring back. Also, it is a little unclear as to what you mean by "unsteady." Maybe put in a line or two describing why... (more »)
 
Inspiringyou2_stayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 15 at 8:28 pm
Wow... Thank you for the great critique and feedback. I will definitely work in that. Thanks so much!!!
 
Inspiringyou2_stayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Mar. 16 at 10:49 am
!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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