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What Could Have Been

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Tears falling from the broken sky
Trying to keep calm when I say goodbye
Memories everywhere I look
One disease was all it took.

Forced smiles in my direction
No one could have gave you more protection
Hours crying myself to sleep
This horrid wound has gone so deep.

Death has arrived too soon
Now that it's here; I'm in ruins
Nothing to make the pain go away
No promises I will be okay
Everything happened so fast
Those precious moments i wanted to last
Are now over because your death came
Things will never be the same.

Now I'm stuck in this misery
Wondering how you could leave me
I loved you with all my heart
And now you're tearing me apart.

Death has arrived too soon
Now that it's here; I'm in ruins
Nothing to make the pain go away
No promises I will be okay
Everything happened so fast
Those precious moments i wanted to last
Are now over because your death came
Things will never be the same.

If I could have you here
You would be with me dear
I'll never be in your loving arms
Or have you to keep me from harm.

Death has arrived too soon
Now that it's here; I'm in ruins
Nothing to make the pain go away
No promises I will be okay
Everything happened so fast
Those precious moments i wanted to last
Are now over because your death came
Things will never be the same.



Teen Ink NYC Summer Writing Program

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redhairCatThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 20, 2010 at 10:26 pm:
Really good song! I like it a LOT! I experienced grief not too long ago, so I can relate to this song. Good work.
 
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Annalibelle said...
Sept. 20, 2010 at 8:36 pm:

Hey, it’s Annali from Actually Helpful Critique.

Just so you know I don’t have very much experience critiqueing poetry so…

The couplet rhymes are good, and not overly cheesy. Personally, “soon and ruins” is a stretch but…

In the first stanza the word “disease” kinda ruins the mood of the stanza. The connotation of “disease” is very common, scientific, and blunt, so it is too vulgar compared to the delicate sadn... (more »)

 
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Emmaline said...
Sept. 20, 2010 at 10:49 am:
this is really cool! kind of like a song when you repeated that one stanza over like three times! bravo!
 
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AgnotTheOdd said...
Sept. 19, 2010 at 11:33 pm:
Interesting.  Lyrics are really hard to write well.  It's a very sad song, to be sure.  But it was good.  Granted, the music I listen to is a way different from this, so I don't have much experience in this field.
 
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Penmaiden said...
Sept. 19, 2010 at 8:04 pm:
Gorgeousness!  I loved it!  Five stars, all the way!
 
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SamiLynn said...
Sept. 19, 2010 at 4:42 pm:
this could be like an acoustic guitar type song thing! this was really good, and i liked the emotion
 
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Stormythrone said...
Sept. 3, 2010 at 1:34 pm:
great job! you definitly kept the feeling through the whole thing. would love to hear someone sing this ;D keep writing!
 
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Amiee said...
Aug. 29, 2010 at 4:27 am:

wow nice song

this is really powerful and even though i can't really relate to it, cuz sth like this has never happened, i think this is perfect for sb to relate to and think, oh this is just wat i felt!

 
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gracegirl29This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 28, 2010 at 8:58 pm:
This is really touching and I know that it probably means a lot to you! I love it when people show that they care about other people through writing:) The only thing is that in future poetry/ writing, not songs, you may want to knock the vocab up a notch and work on the way you do your repitition. I liked it here, but some parts were too repetitive. Adding a powerful bridge might not be a bad idea. You have great potential and should keep writing! Could you check out my poem, "The Window to the ... (more »)
 
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thepreechyteenagerThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 27, 2010 at 9:25 pm:

This was a very beautiful, clear song.  The lyrics were very powerful and strong.  The raw emotion was very touching.  The only possible thing I could recommed is stepping the vocabulary up a little bit.  Like in the last line in the second verse, I think you could have used 'cut' or 'pierced' instead of 'gone.'  I'm not sure if that goes with your intended rhythem or music, though.  Did you have an intended genre of music that this would be? Rock, Classic ect...... (more »)

 
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AsIAmThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 27, 2010 at 9:18 pm:

The good:  The beat was nice, and even before I noticed it said "song lyrics" I was like, "man, this would make a great song!"  Good job!

The bad:  It seemed a little bit repetitive, just saying that it ended too soon, without really saying what had ended.

The random:  Do you write a lot of songs?

Good job! ~AsIAm

 
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ErisDreamer said...
Aug. 27, 2010 at 3:13 pm:
Very touching and beautiful diction! The emotions were very real and powerful. Good job!
 
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HotTeenWriter24x7 said...
Aug. 26, 2010 at 5:56 pm:
this is really good and touching...you've been able to put such deep feelings into a song hich is great...keep writing coz ur really good at it ;]
 
Nirvana replied...
Aug. 26, 2010 at 9:12 pm :
that was really beautiful. five stars
 
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CallMeFelix said...
Aug. 23, 2010 at 8:35 pm:

I agree with introducing.me and riley...they said all I could.

Keep writing!

 
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riley... said...
Aug. 23, 2010 at 3:27 pm:
i agree with introducing.me... very beautiful words that show off the grief in this poem, kind of framing the feelings. nice job! :)
 
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introducing.me_899This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Aug. 23, 2010 at 2:56 pm:
oh i rem this, :( it was saddening but beautiful. the choice of words wer very powerful n they really connected with me/the reader. it made me feel great emotion, so good job!
 
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