What Could Have Been

July 23, 2010
By Just.A.Dream SILVER, Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
Just.A.Dream SILVER, Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
7 articles 0 photos 431 comments

Favorite Quote:
Part of the J7X team. :)


Tears falling from the broken sky
Trying to keep calm when I say goodbye
Memories everywhere I look
One disease was all it took.

Forced smiles in my direction
No one could have gave you more protection
Hours crying myself to sleep
This horrid wound has gone so deep.

Death has arrived too soon
Now that it's here; I'm in ruins
Nothing to make the pain go away
No promises I will be okay
Everything happened so fast
Those precious moments i wanted to last
Are now over because your death came
Things will never be the same.

Now I'm stuck in this misery
Wondering how you could leave me
I loved you with all my heart
And now you're tearing me apart.

Death has arrived too soon
Now that it's here; I'm in ruins
Nothing to make the pain go away
No promises I will be okay
Everything happened so fast
Those precious moments i wanted to last
Are now over because your death came
Things will never be the same.

If I could have you here
You would be with me dear
I'll never be in your loving arms
Or have you to keep me from harm.

Death has arrived too soon
Now that it's here; I'm in ruins
Nothing to make the pain go away
No promises I will be okay
Everything happened so fast
Those precious moments i wanted to last
Are now over because your death came
Things will never be the same.



Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 17 comments.


on Nov. 20 2010 at 10:26 pm
redhairCat PLATINUM, Pebble Beach, California
47 articles 20 photos 411 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I can do anything!"

Really good song! I like it a LOT! I experienced grief not too long ago, so I can relate to this song. Good work.

on Sep. 20 2010 at 8:36 pm
Annalibelle BRONZE, Elmsford, New York
2 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Hey, it’s Annali from Actually Helpful Critique.

Just so you know I don’t have very much experience critiqueing poetry so…

The couplet rhymes are good, and not overly cheesy. Personally, “soon and ruins” is a stretch but…

In the first stanza the word “disease” kinda ruins the mood of the stanza. The connotation of “disease” is very common, scientific, and blunt, so it is too vulgar compared to the delicate sadness of the poem. Also, “disease” doesn’t flow right; it puts off the rhythm scheme.

Speaking of rhythm scheme, sometimes your phrases don’t flow perfectly. Read it out loud to see how it sounds. Ex: “Forced smiles in my direction
No one could have gave you more protection
Hours crying myself to sleep
This horrid wound has gone so deep.”

The second and 4th lines have too many syllables, so they don’t roll off the tongue smoothly. It’s not like you have to be exact or matchy matchy, just read the whole thing out loud.

Some formatting/grammer things:

Capitalize all your “I”’s, this will make it seem more professional.

Your long chorus could be split into 2 stanzas of four; it keeps the same look as the rest of the piece, and it makes more sense.


Emmaline said...
on Sep. 20 2010 at 10:49 am
this is really cool! kind of like a song when you repeated that one stanza over like three times! bravo!

on Sep. 19 2010 at 11:33 pm
AgnotTheOdd GOLD, Aptos, California
17 articles 0 photos 315 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The reason for your unreasonable treatment of my reason so enfeebles my reason that I have reason to complain of your reason" ~ Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Interesting.  Lyrics are really hard to write well.  It's a very sad song, to be sure.  But it was good.  Granted, the music I listen to is a way different from this, so I don't have much experience in this field.

on Sep. 19 2010 at 8:04 pm
Penmaiden BRONZE, Minnetonka, Minnesota
4 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
Poetry is thoughts that breathe, and words that burn. ~Thomas Gray

Gorgeousness!  I loved it!  Five stars, all the way!

on Sep. 19 2010 at 4:42 pm
SamiLynn PLATINUM, Anthem, Arizona
20 articles 9 photos 137 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The unexamined life is not worth living." ~Socrates

this could be like an acoustic guitar type song thing! this was really good, and i liked the emotion

on Sep. 3 2010 at 1:34 pm
Stormythrone BRONZE, Anchorage, Alaska
4 articles 19 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is good or bad. Its thinking that makes it so. -Benjamin Franklin

great job! you definitly kept the feeling through the whole thing. would love to hear someone sing this ;D keep writing!

Amiee said...
on Aug. 29 2010 at 4:27 am

wow nice song

this is really powerful and even though i can't really relate to it, cuz sth like this has never happened, i think this is perfect for sb to relate to and think, oh this is just wat i felt!


on Aug. 28 2010 at 8:58 pm
sweetly_broken GOLD, Garner, North Carolina
15 articles 0 photos 158 comments

Favorite Quote:
We never know how big we are until we are asked to rise.

This is really touching and I know that it probably means a lot to you! I love it when people show that they care about other people through writing:) The only thing is that in future poetry/ writing, not songs, you may want to knock the vocab up a notch and work on the way you do your repitition. I liked it here, but some parts were too repetitive. Adding a powerful bridge might not be a bad idea. You have great potential and should keep writing! Could you check out my poem, "The Window to the Right" please? It's kind of like this only kind of different:)

on Aug. 27 2010 at 9:25 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

This was a very beautiful, clear song.  The lyrics were very powerful and strong.  The raw emotion was very touching.  The only possible thing I could recommed is stepping the vocabulary up a little bit.  Like in the last line in the second verse, I think you could have used 'cut' or 'pierced' instead of 'gone.'  I'm not sure if that goes with your intended rhythem or music, though.  Did you have an intended genre of music that this would be? Rock, Classic ect...?

Anyway, this was very good!


AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 27 2010 at 9:18 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

The good:  The beat was nice, and even before I noticed it said "song lyrics" I was like, "man, this would make a great song!"  Good job!

The bad:  It seemed a little bit repetitive, just saying that it ended too soon, without really saying what had ended.

The random:  Do you write a lot of songs?

Good job! ~AsIAm


Eris31 said...
on Aug. 27 2010 at 3:13 pm
Eris31, Santa Rosa, California
0 articles 1 photo 17 comments
Very touching and beautiful diction! The emotions were very real and powerful. Good job!

Nirvana SILVER said...
on Aug. 26 2010 at 9:12 pm
Nirvana SILVER, Moreno Valley, California
9 articles 0 photos 24 comments

Favorite Quote:
Until you accept who you are; you will never be happy with what you have

that was really beautiful. five stars

on Aug. 26 2010 at 5:56 pm
HotTeenWriter24x7 BRONZE, Poughkeepsie, New York
2 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Forbidden to Remember, Terrified to Forget."

this is really good and touching...you've been able to put such deep feelings into a song hich is great...keep writing coz ur really good at it ;]

on Aug. 23 2010 at 8:35 pm
ForeverFelix PLATINUM, Catasauqua, Pennsylvania
30 articles 2 photos 207 comments

Favorite Quote:
Daydreams can be worse than nightmares, but that never stops me.

I agree with introducing.me and riley...they said all I could.

Keep writing!


riley... GOLD said...
on Aug. 23 2010 at 3:27 pm
riley... GOLD, Yakima, Washington
13 articles 0 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
"i became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity." edgar allen poe.

i agree with introducing.me... very beautiful words that show off the grief in this poem, kind of framing the feelings. nice job! :)

on Aug. 23 2010 at 2:56 pm
HeatherBee BRONZE, I Live In, Texas
1 article 0 photos 1985 comments

Favorite Quote:
Go on and try to tear me down. I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper

Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect

oh i rem this, :( it was saddening but beautiful. the choice of words wer very powerful n they really connected with me/the reader. it made me feel great emotion, so good job!


SciArc

MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!