The First Time

The moment our eyes
met, everything changed---I
was already yours.





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This article has 12 comments. Post your own now!

pandagirl312 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 3, 2012 at 10:53 am
I enjoy haikus and write them as well. So I know how hard it is to fit everything in as well as add some interesting word choices. :) Good job, but I would edit and spice this one up a bit.
 
beautifulspirit This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 3, 2012 at 11:21 am
Thanks for looking at this one---I think you may be right about spicing it up a bit.
 
IAmWhoIWantToBe said...
Apr. 16, 2012 at 9:52 pm
I kinda agree with GangstaINromo. Maybe, you could use deeper words. And don't make it cliche. Other than that, this is kinda cute... 
 
GangstaINromo said...
Jan. 6, 2012 at 11:42 am
I know this is a Haiku and you don't have a lot to work with but this whole poem seems very generic. Like you could almost find this Haiku in every thirteen year old's journal. Add personality, spice it up, make it diffrent. If i wanted to read something like this i would check my little sisters FaceBook
 
beautifulspirit This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 6, 2012 at 5:20 pm
Well thank you for your honesty. You are the first to comment on my work in a while, so it's good to read some feedback.
 
GangstaINromo replied...
Jan. 6, 2012 at 5:23 pm
Keep writing. You're obviously talented :)
 
beautifulspirit This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 6, 2012 at 5:24 pm
Thank you for that. I'd like your opinion on my other work, if you wouldn't mind.
 
dancer25 replied...
Feb. 2, 2012 at 4:33 pm
i like it, a agree with the spicing it up tho
 
beautifulspirit This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Feb. 2, 2012 at 4:34 pm
Okay, thanks it's always good to get feedback~
 
dancer25 replied...
Feb. 3, 2012 at 11:52 am
yourwelcome
 
SkyyeTrekk replied...
Feb. 3, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Sorry to say but I agree with the anonymous review, but it is cute, I like it :-)
 
beautifulspirit This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Feb. 4, 2012 at 4:53 am
Thanks for your thoughts~
 
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