Four Angels and an Unpayable Debt

February 27, 2018
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Instead of nothing
To live for
I have people
To live for
Hope and
Purpose take the shape of
four teenage girls
Who knew they could give
me my life

To trade in an
unfixable person and be
given four angels
in return
Is proof of God
It is proof of
His love for us

I have a feeling
A sensation of
This warm feeling
in my stomach
Consumes me but
instead of
a walking corpse
filled with loneliness
and shadows
I am living
breathing proof
of hope

Unlike depression
this new warmth does not
extract the best parts
of me
This happiness
builds up what I
Lost in those times of
never ending tragedy
With every smile
and every laugh
I watch those four angels on
Their hands and knees
Working unwillingly just
To save me

This happiness makes
me forget about the
scars on my hips and
The parts of me I will
Never get back
This happiness makes
that loss okay
It only highlights
my gains

People call suicide going
Home but
My home is on
Earth and it may not
Be heaven but
God still gave me
four angels and
I think that
is close enough

When I close my
Eyes I don’t see
The darkness anymore
I see the future in
front of me
Waiting for me to wake up
and open my eyes

For the first time in a long time
I want to wake up
I do not just want to wake up
I want to get up
I want to not just
feel the sun
I want to absorb it

These angels saved
my life and
I must stay around
To save theirs
It is the least
I can do to try and
pay back this
Unpayable debt

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