Why did you?

November 22, 2017

“Don’t call me baby,
Unless you mean it.
Don’t tell me you need me,
If you don’t believe it.
So let me know the truth,
Before I dive right into you.”
-Ed Sheeran

Why did you not listen?
I was not blunt with expressing these,
But please,
Tell me,
Why did you call me baby?
Did you mean it?
If not,
If so,
Why did you stop?
Why did you tell me you need me,
If you do not?
Why are you lonely?
Please tell me.
Are you still lonely?
Have you gotten better?
Are you happier?
I know I was happier with you.
Were you happier with me?
Do you even think about it?
Do you think about me?
When we pass each other,
Do you see me?
I see you.
When we pass each other.
Everytime I close my eyes.
I saw you a lot yesterday,
My heart sank every time.
It hurt.
The third time,
I had to close my eyes.
It physically stung.
My eyes teared up,
But my chest boomed.
I had another dream about you.
It hurt.
I remembered for a little,
How happy I had felt not long ago.
I then remembered,
How quickly that can change,
And how painfully.
I have not seen you today,
But I have looked.
I know not why.
I know not why I do it to myself.
It hurts too much,
But still,
I look?
I do not understand it.
I do not understand what you do to me.
What you have done to me.
I told you I hate you,
But I told you I hate you because I cannot hate you.
You hugged me goodbye and I ran off.
I was not ignoring your goodbye,
I promise you.
I am sorry.
I just did not want you to see me be weak.
I hope you do not think that I am better off without you,
Or that I am okay,
Happy even.
I am far.
Far from okay,
Far from happy,
Far from better.
I was better when I was with you.
So happy.
That is not how I am,
I am not just happy.
But with you,
I was.
That was the happiest I have been in so long.
And without you is the unhappiest I have been,
In so long.
And honestly,
That is a hard record to beat.
But here it is,
The great and terrible high.
Long been dreaded.
Finally been reached.

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