I Miss You

November 13, 2017
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I don’t want to smoke.
I don’t need the memory.
Yet, when I think of you,
It’s the only thing I need.

Your face,
Your heart,
Your apathy,
Your memories.

I still can’t face you,
Can’t forget you,
Can’t stop thinking of
How I can’t erase you.

It’s been six months,
Or many more,
And as much as I’d like to
Think you’re a bore,

I can’t help but,
Reminisce about you.
I know I love you, but
You know I only love “you too,”

And to love you
Is to,
Self-medicate. To be a tumblr girl
Strung out on,

Emotion, hatred,
Paradoxical love, and
I can’t subject myself to hate--
Myself, and still hate myself.

Naturally, I turn away,
Cut my eyes and disembrace
The queer side I have, the side
I can't indulge because of,

You, you make me hate the
Things I hide, the things you,
Only know my feelings toward.
Keel over, and scream about,

Silly things we cried about,
Hide inside my id,
Shook me from the emotional kid, and
Set me on fire, put me in dire

Straight’s the way I identify, don’t make me, stop and
Think about you until my face is blue,
Hold my breath until I get your text,
Find myself in deep distress, when

I find the message,
“This is $*%@’s mom,
$*%@ flipped her car three times,
I’m sure she’d be happy to know you came to see her at the hospital.”

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