August 20th, 2017 ( #30)

September 25, 2017

I was
breathless and confused,
angry but
relieved to know he felt the same.
I spent six hours
with his voice in my ear
on my bedroom floor,
eyes closed,
wishing I was right beside him
because that's what it felt like
when he laughed
His laugh
was my favorite thing about him,
my eyes were his
It was only a few hours
into this new thing
an us, but
“we could have been together for years”,
he told me.
And I think my heart stopped.
But I didn’t know how to tell him that,
seemed to personal.
Like how I can count
the exact number of times
he’s had his arms around me and
each reason why
I can name
every moment
where I’ve almost kissed him,
he would have been my first.
He would have
if I hadn’t messed up.
The first time was disastrous but
the second? This?
This is permanent
and without him
I can do nothing
but close my eyes
and wish I was right beside him
I can do nothing
but wonder
what could have been.

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