dusk––4:30

dusk descends
drawing an ephemeral viel
over the face of the day
 

trees rustle in protest
or maybe welcome     
tired aspens quaking bare
 

a single crimson cloud drifts
above their crowns as if
tugged insistently by the wind
 

snagged on the tips of the pines
drawn thin it dissolves with a whisper
kissed by the setting sun
 

afternoon stolen
the sky’s airy dimple gone
the crepuscular woods beckon
 

sinister and inhospitable
darkness bleeds from the forest
absorbing pigment and vitality
 






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addictwithapenThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 1 at 6:19 pm
Stanza 1: Dusk is a common subject, but so far you have described it well. Spelling: Veil Stanza 2: I like your personification of the trees. Considering that later in the poem you shift from a pleasant mood to a sinister mood, you might consider switching "welcome" and "protest" to mirror the order of that shift. Stanza 3: Consider removing "as if". The cloud is, in fact, being tugged by the wind, right? Try to avoid words and phrases such as "like" and "as if" unless you really, really need ... (more »)
 
tigerlilyorangeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 2 at 9:04 am
wow thank you so much! these are all excellent suggestions I never would have thought of:P will revise
 
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