For years I have blamed myself for everything.

Every time you didn’t call or show up,
I figured it was because I did something.
I thought I wasn’t good enough to be your daughter.
My self esteem dropped and I felt bad about myself.
I was always miserable when I looked at other families,
Smiling and enjoying each other’s company.

As a little girl I shouldn’t have felt that way about myself.
I shouldn’t have beat myself up inside.
What I should’ve been doing was enjoying life.
I couldn’t appreciate the people in my life
Who loved and cared about me unconditionally.
I was too focused on what I didn’t have,
Trying to fill the internal void that was in my heart.
I would always wonder why you were never around,
I always had to ask others, but they didn’t have answers.

I would cry myself to sleep and would always ask myself,
Why don’t you want me? What’s so wrong with me
That you don’t want me as a part of your life? Why... why?
The people around always said It’s not your fault.
You are not the problem.
But no matter what they said or did, I couldn’t believe them.
It’s hard to believe something people tell you
When the evidence proved that it wasn’t true.
As a child, it’s hard to not blame yourself.

As I got older, my viewpoint started to change,
I started to see the truth about you and your actions toward me.
As I got smarter and more mature, it all became clear.
I wasn’t the one doing something wrong.
I wasn’t the one with the problem.
All I ever wanted was for your actions to match your words
But as time went on, I started to realize it wasn’t going to happen.
People can only change if they truly want to but, in your case,
You didn’t think you were doing anything wrong.
You weren’t going to change how you treated me or my siblings.

I learned that as the child I wasn’t supposed to put in all the effort.
As the adult, you need to make the plans and call me,
Not the other way around. As the daughter the pressure shouldn’t be on me.
I shouldn’t try to bend over backwards for you to be in my life.
You will be a part of my life only if you want to be, I can’t make you.
In my teenage years, I learned who you truly are
And where I stand in your life compared to all others.
I learned that I am not even in your top five priorities.

Learning the truth has relieved me of the stress and pain
That you put in me and I will never put myself through that again.
I will never let anyone make me feel the way that you did,
I want to enjoy my time on earth.