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Autumn Leaves

By , Ojai, CA

It was when we were dancing on your bedroom floor-

Spinning on our toes and falling to each others' arms

Hair tangling eyes mistaking yours

For autumn leaves that I realized

I was in love with you.

I promptly raked the leaves back into a straight pile to avoid for centuries

Jealousy, prickling up my skin

As goosebumps from the breeze

That comes when someone else jumped

Into the mountain of leaves that I loved

Her hair, caked underneath his fingers

Her eyes, shining down to light up the night

Her voice, a summer-ending serenade

Her laugh, a whistling wind to add more leaves to the pile

I smiled, in agony

Took my shovel and tried to bury you with my heart

To continue having dark nights and quiet days

I am ashamed

I am sorry

It was when my mind and I were dancing on my bathroom floor-

Spinning in my head and falling to my knees

Hair pulling eyes watering as I regurgitated the very last of my pills that I told myself

I could love you

I promptly picked the shovel up and dug where I heard the voice keeping me from dying

Crying as I found that while I was falling in love with you,

You were busy remaking yourself into a playground

For this boy,

Raking yourself up for him to jump into

Over and over again

 

My spine, cracked underneath his footsteps

My eyes, a sparkling ocean to swim in at night

My voice, the broken glass blues

My sob, sheet music for a guitar out of tune

My room called me inside

Took its comforters and tried to suffocate me

So there was no more night and day,

Only sleep

 

I know, you're just a girl

But you were also, just my life source

Just my first love

Just the only person who can calm down both me and my mind

I've tried so hard, but I can't find anybody else

Darling, you're a miracle worker

Controlling the winds to build up a world around you that included him, yet kept me alive

 

It was when your mind and I were dancing on the office floor-

Spinning around in circles and falling into corners

Hair protecting eyes connecting as we forget the world around us that you told me

You loved me

I promptly picked the shovel up and dug where my heart was beating loud and clear

It wasn't too far away or down

Frowns remember the one you erased from memory

And I want to build you up to never be torn down again

But that would take away his only playground

 

His mouth, spitting fire at the ground licking the burn marks on my waist

His feet, stomping where the glowing pile of autumn leaves used to be

His hands, grasping at whatever he can find, very likely his own throat

His mind, fighting against the sadness that took over me and will inevitably come to him too

Cruel to do something when you know it would hurt them

To take his actions and reverse them, give him a taste of his own medicine

But fall means recess breaks to fix my loving autumn leaves,

Means crisp air to wipe away his tears

Means grass dies faster than I do

Means autumn leaves fall almost as fast as I fall in love again




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