it's 2:31 am
you fell asleep half an hour ago, and left me with a song.
i love how excited you get when showing me a song, even miles apart, i know you're patiently waiting for my review.
do you like me or something?
a question that's become our way of saying just that
we love to tease each other, when one of us starts getting sentimental, i say "oh, of course not"
"why would you think such a ridiculous thing?"
"oh, right. your face just happens to light up when you see me down the street.
your pace just happens to quicken as you run into my arms, longing to kiss me"
this makes me laugh
you do that a lot, you know. make me laugh
many times it's preceeded with "shut up" or "you're the worst" after i tell the most cringe-worthy, most likely, science-related joke to come from my mouth.
it's funny, even when we're in bed together, the jokes don't stop.
well, at least in the beginning.
because we reach a point that's anything but a joke
where i am completely vulernerable, and long for you to reach deeper into my skin.
the first time you kissed me, i had not slept in 30 hours. i laughed as i was falling asleep and said "i promise it's not because of you."
i passed out on your bed and thought damn, he's never gonna want to see me again.
a few weeks later, i find you in your room, drunk and upset. we talked for a long time, each word from your mouth being absorbed into my tongue as i sat there and realized just how much i cared about you.
you were a mess, but i knew i could help.
we're very similar, you know. both cancers. we need to feel love, especially when we all but love ourselves.
that night you thought, she's never gonna want to see me again.
i laugh thinking about that now.
because for someone to think that one bad night could possibly keep someone away forever, they've been hurt by all the wrong people.
i am far from a perfect being. but no matter how dark my past is, you don't care. you see the person i am today, you see how much i had to overcome, and you admire me for that.
you know how to comfort me, always. even when we're both so f***ed up from god knows how many drinks, you take care of me, even when it annoys the hell out of you.
even when im drunkenly running around, pointing to you and saying "that's my man!", you still stay.
even when i cry at the most random times throughout the day, you know what to say to me. you know the right level of harsh to give me to get my s*** together.
you help me more than any stupid coping skill or self help book could.
and this is why, after 2 years of me never talking about what pains me the most, i tell you. even if i was drunk, even if i didn't say much, i have never told anyone aside from my therapist about my most vulnerable, fearful event.
this is why i tend to tell you things out of the blue. things from my past that pop into my mind. you have seen all of me, literally all of me, things that no one else has. you know every inch of my body, every aspect of my personality, every level of my emotional breakdowns, and yet, you're still here.
and because of that, i don't care about your past, either.
i don't mind if sometimes you just need to be sad and think about things that have hurt you. it's okay, it's human.
but don't think that i won't do exactly what you do for me, like knocking at my door less than 10 minutes after i told you i was upset.
and i know both of us can handle our struggles on our own, or in the comfort of others. but there's something about you and me that makes my emotions long for your attention.
there's something so comforting about being completely vulnerable to someone.
yes, comfort in vulnerability.
that's a concept i was afraid of for so long. i couldn't be vulnerable, i had to be perfect. i couldn't let another see my flaws or else they'd abuse them.
but you took my vulnerability in your hands and kissed it.
the first time i stood completely exposed to you, i wasn't nervous because of the look that was on your face.
and every time i do, the look gets better. even though you've seen me completely bare so many times, it still amazes you when you do.
things just happen sometimes.
we don't plan it or hope for it to happen, it just does.
and god am i lucky to have met you that first night.