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I Wish I Knew

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I wish I knew.

Did he feel it?
Did his chest ache when he saw me?
Was my voice in his head and my face in his dreams?

Did he notice?
The lilac perfume I wore around him, or the
electric feeling of
an accidental touch?

Did he realize?
I knew him forever, the way you
know the sun and moon and the
smell of spring rain, the way you know
a painting that's been hanging on your wall.

Did he try?
The way I tried
To brush my bangs from my face
When I knew I was in sunlight
Or look up from my eyelashes
Or taste rain and ashes.

Did he wish?
For more memories of paint-spattered T-shirts
And stacks of old books
And lazy afternoons in libraries.

Did he know?
Know I tried too hard
Know that I want to know

I wish I knew. 

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