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I Love Her

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Her voice
severely fluctuating stresses and calms echo in my head
controlling my nerves completely
pressing all my buttons simultaneously
fingers, arms, legs, and toes are twitching
itches crawling


every living cell in my body hates her


they scream in silent exasperation
trying to take a disunited stand one by one
shut up
shut up
shut up

my heart
not the one angrily pounding within but the other one—
the one that feels more real—
rejects my being for rejecting hers
it whispers
you love her
she loves you
you need her
she needs you
and I understand


I do


but right now I want to run

I want to shove the television and the book shelf and rip my schoolwork to shreds
I want to disrupt all sense of order left in our lives because I cannot live in this reality while trapped in limbo between my world and hers
my jaw clenches
chewing on the empty hatred
I want to scream and scream until my throat is so jagged and inflamed that my words are sharpened to blades as they fly out of me
penetrating her mind
forcing her to understand that she is destroying herself
that her fears
not the world
are her worst enemies
I want
I want


it doesn’t matter what I want
she will forever be a wide-eyed deer
frozen in the middle of every road
her life dependent on the pity of the very people she fears


and I will forever love her

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