Chalice

her neck is so slender and fragile
i grip it hard
wanting to crush it in my hands
then brush off guilty shards

 

her dress is transparent
i see her heart
blood deep burgundy and seductive
so sweet it makes me giddy

 

i kiss her gold rimmed lip
a clear tone rings softly
temptation
drunk silly with infatuation






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hwoodruff98This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Apr. 9 at 10:30 pm
This is a nice poem. I like the comparison of a glass of alcohol to a woman. That being said, while I love the word "chalice," a chalice is typically not made of glass. Usually, it is made of some metal, so maybe there's a more fitting title than "Chalice?" Perhaps "Fragility" or "A Tall Glass of Wine?" Furthermore, there are a couple of lines in here that don't make logical sense. First, the line "then brush off guilty shards." Why are the shards guilty? Perhaps you could say "then guiltily bru... (more »)
 
Inspiringyou2_stayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Mar. 16 at 10:55 am
I promised that I would give feedback to anyone to comments on my work and Wow! i love this. I can see the wineglass interpretation easily. I am sure you purposely did not capitaize anything, but I think if you did, it would have greater effect. Some commas might help, for if you have the reader pause, or slow down at a few p,aces, the poem is much more dramatic. I see no grammatical errors, so good for you. Overall, the idea of this poem is very strong and creative. Keep writing!!
 
tigerlilyorangeThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Mar. 19 at 2:30 pm
thank you for your suggestions! while i did leave my letters uncapitalized on purpose, i totally hear you. i'll write it again with some punctuation, read it aloud, and see what i think!
 
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