Heart

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Heart you are stronger than many
You have been cheated, abused, lead on and destroyed time and time again
Yet somehow you find the ability to still beat just as before
You still find the courage to keep pumping blood through every broken fragment that is left

At fourteen you thought you were in love for the first time
But the truth was you just wanted a boyfriend
You didn’t care how poorly he treated you and how everyone laughed at it
In middle school having a boy pretend to care about you made you feel on top

So you let him ignore you and make excuses
Didn’t tell anyone how really sad you are
In middle school it really took courage
To tell him you couldn’t do it anymore

Just turning fifteen you learned you’d need surgery
Because your spine was twisted and deformed
You were so afraid but you knew it would save your life
You became built of titanium and a new existence

Learning a new way of life and a new movement
Setting off alarms and constantly explaining the massive scar down your back
Feeling like a brand new person all around
And not sure how different your life would become

At fifteen you saw your father drink himself into an uncontrollable rage
You saw him screaming at your mother and making swings towards you
You got to witness your mother demanding him out of the car and telling you it’s okay
You watched him out of the rear view mirror as you drove away

You lived in fear for months while you and your mother tried to rebuild
A father in AA is certainly a way to start your freshman year
When he came back into the picture you always hid away
But swore on your life you would always protect your mother

But because of this at fifteen
You also found Jesus
A little building on Main street is where you first heard the Gospel
Where in one October night your entire life changed

This lead to finding your calling
Hearing Bible verses in your head and odd affirmations
A warmth in you that you couldn’t explain
You had just turned sixteen when you discovered you wanted to be a pastor

At sixteen you became an actress
Found passion on the stage and a joy for the theatre
Met your best friend and a second calling
A hope for the things that were coming

Right before seventeen you found out your mother had cancer
Sat in a hospital room crying in her arms
Cursing at God for doing this to your hero
Not understanding and watching your life shatter

Becoming the rock of your family
Telling your twenty seven year old brother that God was there
While inside you were doubting and questioning it all
That was when you learned to hide how you felt

At seventeen you learned that guy you were friends with wasn’t who you thought
Because when the new year fell he turned sour
Lead you on and dated four others
You were falling in love and all he was doing was laughing at your pain and insulting you daily

You started senior year dealing with the remnants of an abusive relationship
Any man’s hand on you made you flinch away and hearing certain songs made you feel sick
Afraid to fall in love you got lead on three more times
By eighteen you completely hated who you were

Right after your eighteenth birthday the boy of your dreams asked you out
You were in shock and could hardly breath on that first date
For a month you felt true joy for first time
And the way he looked into your terrified eyes made you know you had fallen in love

Out of the blue your prince charming left
And you swore you had never felt quite as broken
You thought he’d be the one to repair you
But he only left you even more destroyed

At eighteen you were filled with demons
Anxiety, depression and PTSD attacking your mind
Despite a few good friends and a passion inside you
You hated every fiber of you and felt utterly worthless

Found your release in a pencil sharpener blade
The minute you acted on the screaming inside you were were filled with regret
You hated what you did and you tried to hide
But the crimson addiction was a cry out for help that needed to be heard

Your mother thought you needed therapy but all you needed was hope
Cause after a few weeks the self violence had stopped
The depression still ate at you but you hid it away
The scars on your thighs screamed never again

You had trouble enjoying the things you adored
You feared ruining your friends lives and them leaving you
Around others you put on a mask and smiled like a fool
But the ones who loved you knew it was wrong

But at eighteen you were ready to begin again
Two college scholarships and a passion to help others like you
A boy is willing to love you with his whole heart
Things getting better and you could feel it

Heart I can not fathom all you have conquered
The strength inside you is beyond belief
There were so many times I begged you to just stop beating
But maybe you know why we have stayed for so long
 






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