September 27, 2015
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After Eve took a byte out of the forbidden Apple,
it still operated perfectly fine.
The woman, however, was expelled from the garden
after posting nude selfies on Twitter.
In the meantime the lone laptop,
though still quite useful
(You'd be surprised at how much good info
a Google search for "how to kickstart a world population"
will bring up)
started getting stretched thin between its users.
Cain and Abel skirmished over who got to play Minecraft first
and Noah holed himself up alone in his ark
to watch cat videos on YouTube
and track weather updates.


At Babel humanity tried to deify itself,
frameworking a supercomputer
that could reveal The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything--
but they were forced to disperse
when they started speaking different programming languages.
A remnant of their number, the Israelites, got enslaved
in Egypt's silicon valleys.
They were delivered when a decad of malignant viruses
nuked their masters' hard drives,
but soon they were all plaguing Moses with complaints
about the desert's awful Wi-Fi.
Later at Sinai they camped out all night in vigil
For the unveiling of two new tablet
The kings among them behaved no more nobly than the rest.
Saul destroyed himself with envy—
he only had a thousand Facebook followers,
while David had his tens of thousands.
But he needn't have worried. Yes, David was promising for a while,
but then he met Bathsheba on Ashley Madison,
and we all know how that went. The prophet Nathan
hacked him to pieces.
And Solomon, for all his wisdom, just got annoying.
Always parading around on Rich Kings of Instagram.
It did get him a lot of girls, though.


As for the New Testament years, there's not much to say.
The disciples texted all throughout the Last Supper,
and their tales about a messiah were debunked
when not one of them could provide a single video of the Resurrection.


Thankfully, modern times,
chrome-plated, hard-wired, have saved us from the dusty fables of the past.
Of course, once in a while someone will wonder what lies beyond our fragile little world
wide web, our short battery life,
and browse the books for an answer.
In the meantime there are much more interesting stories to click on,
more teachers to Follow,
more good news to Like.
Their worshipers still keep vigil late at night,
fingers tapping away eternity,
eyes glazed in wonder,
light beaming into their faces like a blessing,
backs hunched, heads bent in supplication
their most high god.

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