The Silence

August 24, 2015
By ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER, BF, New Mexico
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER, BF, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 101 comments

Favorite Quote:
only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Instien
the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.


Silence.
It's all around us.
It just consumes us.
It's so thick that you
could cut it with a knife.

The first kids in the classroom,
always the last to leave.
And everyday we sit there,
we sit there, him and me.

We don't listen to music,
we don't read our notes.
Everyday we sit there,
but that's not enough for me.

One day as we wait,
and let the silence take us,
I can't take it anymore:
this silence all around us.

I look at him, he looks at me.
And in our eyes we both can see,
the silence all around us
need not be.


The author's comments:

I hope that the punctuation in this poem was better than my others. I think I'm better at the rythem of the poem, at least this one, but I don't think I'm there quite yet. please let me know what you think in the comments and any advice you have, I need it. Thanks.

 

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This article has 10 comments.


on Oct. 28 2015 at 12:15 am
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER, BF, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 101 comments

Favorite Quote:
only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Instien
the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

Aww...thanks you for your nice comment, made my day. God bless you too, I'm still trying to improve cause poetry doesn't come that easy to me, but your comment was encouraging.

on Oct. 28 2015 at 12:14 am
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER, BF, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 101 comments

Favorite Quote:
only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Instien
the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

Thanks, you too baby snickers!

on Oct. 27 2015 at 12:07 pm
writer-violist DIAMOND, Jenks, Oklahoma
63 articles 4 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
― Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

Wow! Great job! I really like the part where you say that the silence is so thick that you could cut it with a knife. That is very well used imagery and all the other imagery in the piece. Great job! The rthythm really flows and I suggest that you don't change it. Very good job! Please keep writing! God bless!

on Oct. 27 2015 at 10:01 am
BabySnickers15 SILVER, Columbus, Ohio
9 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I can accept failure, but I can't accept not trying" ~Michael Jordan~
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" ~Franklin Delano Roosevelt~

I love it. You are amazing.

on Oct. 15 2015 at 9:44 am
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER, BF, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 101 comments

Favorite Quote:
only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Instien
the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

Thanks for your advice @guard-girl, I'm still learning. :)

on Sep. 15 2015 at 9:14 am
guard-girl GOLD, Clover, South Carolina
10 articles 11 photos 148 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
Proverbs 3:5-6

You seem to use commas a little too much, but it works for the format. I really did like it! It was well written, and the overall message is sweet and thought-provoking

on Sep. 5 2015 at 10:45 am
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER, BF, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 101 comments

Favorite Quote:
only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Instien
the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

Thanks. If my computer will let me watch it right now ( it needs some more software) then I'll comment. :)

HammadWaseem said...
on Sep. 5 2015 at 3:46 am
HammadWaseem, Lahore, Other
0 articles 6 photos 287 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be proud of who you are.
-Eminem

You can't see me
-John Cena

Ooh, somebody stop me!
-Mask

Thats great @thisEmilyda1 btw will you check, rate and comment on my teen ink video named,"The Unbeatable Breakdancer"?

on Sep. 2 2015 at 7:00 pm
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER, BF, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 101 comments

Favorite Quote:
only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Instien
the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

Thank you so much for all of your advice on my work, it really does help a lot. I left a comment for your fiction Piece. Your writing is great.

Beila BRONZE said...
on Aug. 27 2015 at 3:27 pm
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 519 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

Nice! I like it! I think the rhyming sections do work really well, and I like the final line a lot. My two suggestions would be to break the poem into clearer stanzas and to extend the rhyme scheme throughout the poem. Basically, I'd like to see the first line stand alone, and then "could cut it with a knife" to also end with me, as in perhaps, "it slowly chokes me," or to have its own rhyme with the line "It just consumes us" in order to give the poem a more cohesive feel. Basically, if you change that line a little, then you'll have a strong opening line, two longer stanzas that match, and a final, shorter stanza to pack a punch. I think that would make it easier for us to read your message. Besides the formatting, though, I love the little story you tell and the words with which you tell it. I'd love to see more pieces like this. :)


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