I had no idea

that my hair would fall out
in large clumps
on my pillow when I woke up
and in my hands when I ran
them through it.

I had no idea
that my nails would break
and then stop growing
altogether.
And that my hands would turn
an ugly, lifeless shade
of bluish, purplish, gray.

I had no idea
that it would become difficult
to stand up in the morning
or concentrate in class,
due to the constant fear
that I may pass out
just because my body could not
handle its normal functions anymore.

I had no idea
that I would grow indifferent
to the things that I used to love.
And that I would feel so alone
when there were many
caring, compassionate people
pushing me to be happy again.

I had no idea
that I would ever grow to dislike
so many little things about myself.
And that I would spend so many
minutes, hours, nights wasted
on crying over the “fat” that
cushioned my body.

I had no idea
that my eating disorder
would completely take my life
away from me.
But then,

I chose recovery.

I had no idea
that as soon as I started
to gain back the pounds that
I had lost,
my hair and nails would begin
to grow back again.

I had no idea
that it was perfectly possible
to make it through a day
without taking a nap or two
if I actually nourished my body.

I had no idea
that the disorder was warping
the way that I viewed myself,
and that I am actually a
decent human being.

I had no idea
what I was getting into.
But I am glad to say
that I don’t need to worry
anymore.