She Fell Apart | Teen Ink

She Fell Apart

January 21, 2015
By EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
15 articles 2 photos 46 comments

Her heart was too fragile,

Always ready to break,

In a world so merciless and cruel,

She fell apart.

She drowned in loss, in hurt and

tears.

In a world friendless and loveless,

She fell apart.

Her face was tear-stained and red,

Her body was hunched over and sad.

In a world that beat her down and hurt her,

She fell apart.

She felt like screaming, like crying aloud.

In a world so hateful and torn,

She fell apart.



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This article has 10 comments.


on Jun. 8 2015 at 5:00 pm
CountryRose GOLD, Goshen, Indiana
12 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
I wanna be a girl that when I get out of bed
in the morning Satan says "Oh crap she's up!"

Amazing poem.

jamie. BRONZE said...
on Mar. 6 2015 at 9:04 am
jamie. BRONZE, Masfield, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 34 comments
That was an amazing poem

Beila BRONZE said...
on Mar. 6 2015 at 1:14 am
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 516 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

I have to give this piece the same critique I gave you for "At That Moment." In telling so much, you've lost the imagery that would make this poem great. Don't tell me she's sad; I want to feel that from the way her body looks and the way her sobs sound. I wanted more description and less statement. The idea, though, is without a doubt tragically beautiful.

on Jan. 28 2015 at 8:19 pm
ThePoeticJustice PLATINUM, Houston, Texas
29 articles 0 photos 207 comments

Favorite Quote:
Hold fast and keep your head up high for life will pass right by you like a speeding bird if you don't acknowledge it- Charles Moorer III (me)

U hear that???? It's the sound of a good poem, keep the rhythm playing.

EttieGH GOLD said...
on Jan. 28 2015 at 3:47 am
EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
15 articles 2 photos 46 comments
Thanks:) yeah, ill check it out.

on Jan. 27 2015 at 10:36 am
AlliNeedisMusic SILVER, Easley, South Carolina
5 articles 0 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

pay no attention the the above comment haha

on Jan. 27 2015 at 10:36 am
AlliNeedisMusic SILVER, Easley, South Carolina
5 articles 0 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

oops did not mean to post that haha but this is an amazing and beautiful piece I can relate have a lot of mental breakdowns, panic attacks, etc. but I love this it is totally relateable and understandable keep up the great work and maybe check out my work? I would love feedback! thanks

on Jan. 27 2015 at 10:33 am
AlliNeedisMusic SILVER, Easley, South Carolina
5 articles 0 photos 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Did you know you can now tag other users using "@"?

EttieGH GOLD said...
on Jan. 27 2015 at 2:28 am
EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
15 articles 2 photos 46 comments
Thanks:) Yeah, I'm working on depicting things better.

on Jan. 26 2015 at 4:36 pm
CaseyChickenWang SILVER, McDonough,
7 articles 2 photos 89 comments

Favorite Quote:
"No one likes half-jinglers! Jingle all the way!" - Shelley McNeight
"You don't get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate." - GSUMUN

Wow sounds like one of my own mental breakdowns. I like the universality of this piece and I love how you use repetition here "She fell apart." The repetition is so effective and gives your poem a real sense of falling apart. I'd like it more if you use metaphors and similes to depict these feelings. Overall, nice work!