I fell for you

kicking and screaming
I tried to hang every thought of you
by it’s neck. I wailed on my own chest,
trying to bruise my fast beating heart,
if I had known you were gonna do that for me,
I could have saved my sore fists.
I tried to purge  every late night snack of a dream that I had.
I tried to tell myself your jokes weren’t funny
as I was laughing, I tried to tell myself
it didn’t feel good as I exhaled bad days
when you touched my thigh.
But then I did.
I fell hard and I got up and you embraced
me cuts, bruises, & all. You poured peroxide
into my wounds, bandaged me,
kissed my boo-boos, kissed me. But right then,
right as you pulled away, taking the oxygen
from my lungs, leaving me breathless, you
saw something shiner, newer, a mantle piece
a monotonous jewelry box ballerina. And then
you realized how ugly all my scars were, and how
much better things look when they’re not broken yet.
You took everything I had given you for granted,
every risk of exposure, of expulsion, of excommunication.
You told me it was okay to dream of a future with you
that there could be a future with you,
with you I was okay. I was breezy and light and
my dreams were technicolor because we were
old Hollywood like that. But I guess she’s
all new high definition restored color film,
cause it’s easier to look at,
it’s clear what’s red and what’s orange.
There’s nothing to question.
But I know you kinda liked it when
red and orange were a blur,
everything looked like fire,
like fire like passion like good times
like me and you in the back of the classroom
like me and you at 4am splashing cold water on your face
cause you weren’t ready to get off the phone
like you telling me I was your everything
like me telling you I liked when you called me your girl
it was possessive in a good way.
But now it’s different, cause you’re so in love with her,
but when you hug me you hold on longer
and when you tap me on the arm you leave your
fingertips there after you’ve gotten my attention
and when you lock eyes with me during class youre
never the one to break contact
and if you’re in love with her, you can’t do that
you can’t find little ways to hold onto me
all you had to do was stay
but you told me I was a ghost
and then you left me and
holy s*** man that’s so cool
I didn’t know you could speak to the dead.