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attachment or love?

i loved you,
but i loved you not.

it was a confliction
within my mind.

because when
i was held up against
a wall despite my cries,
i was slapped across
the face and guilted
into a numbed state,
only to be caressed
and have a place
to call home
when i was in the
safety of your arms.

yet i loved you,
and at the same time,
i loved you not.

so i left
when i looked into the eyes
of the boy i thought i loved
and felt a pained sense of
fear and emptiness.

but i still love you,
even if i loved you not.

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