I want to be able to live alone and not have anyone to spend my time with. I was put on this planet to live alone. To breathe alone. But so many people keep my air in their lungs and I'm suffocating the more I try to not gasp for air.?
I sat in my room at nine o'clock and watched headlights go by on the walls as cars drove on lonely roads. I made a movie on my walls, as they went from light to dark to light and to dark again. And as tears raced down my cheeks, I held my breath. I counted how many seconds it would take for me to realize I couldn't let myself drown. And I let myself down because it only took me ten seconds to save myself. I convinced myself that I wanted to die, because dying would feel better than being so alone. Just to know that loneliness wouldn't matter when my body becomes part of the Earth and my mind plants flowers or creates the morning dew. But I knew I wouldn't be able to go on alone even if I wasn't alive. The ocean will always carry boats but will never miss a day of meeting the shore. And even on the hottest days, the Earth prays for the rain to return once more. And I'm trying to convince myself that I can change human nature but it's getting hard to admit, that even water will scream when you boil it.
I held my breath one last time and let it go after twenty seconds. I made my way to my bed and covered myself in blankets and eyes drowned in mascara. I heard the seconds go by and counted to sixty until I listened to another minute pass. I watched all four of my walls creating a story with film fed cars. And I looked out my window to notice the moon providing the energy because the sun was toxic to the stars.