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My Middle

In my Middle is a bottle
A blue bottle that holds all my emotions
It holds all the bad emotions
Sadness
Depression
Hurt
Loneliness
The ones that I never show
My Middle has an armor of ice
Ice that's been hardened
Hardened to perfection
It's protection from all the
Insults
Racism
Abandons
Betrayals
My Middle is what keeps me sane
It keeps the emotions
Trapped inside the blue bottle
My Middle is strong
A mighty fortress
Never once has it faltered
Until he came
He warms my Middle
He sets fire to my impenetrable ice fortress
My Middle melts
Leaving me vulnerable
But not ashamed
He melts my Middle
Until my almighty armor is a puddle
He takes the blue bottle and opens it up
He sets my Middle free
The blue bottle is empty
But is soon full of the good emotions
Happiness
Joy
Bliss
Love
My Middle no longer has an armor
An armor of cold ice
He protects my Middle
My blue bottle is now white
He warms my Middle
And fills my white bottle




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AnInklingThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Oct. 26 at 10:08 pm:
Well, I think that it might be better as prose (a short story maybe). It kind of lack rhythm and so rhyme would have been nice to see, and without either of those, it is not really a poem and more of broken-descripting-short-prose. So you might try adding rhythm and rhyme into it. However, I really liked the idea of it! Though, it might have been cool to leave out the "my middle" part and only use the "blue bottle" (maybe put "deep inside me" instead). Also I agree ... (more »)
 
Carly_ElizabethThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
yesterday at 6:53 pm :
Well I kept the "my middle" because it's a phrase that is sentimental to me and it has a lot of meaning that really only means something to me so that's why I kept it. And thanks a bunch for reading and the advice. I'm not a very good poet (obviously) so I'm trying to get better, and your advice helps. Thanks!
 
AnInklingThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
today at 10:01 am :
Oh that is really cool then! And don't say you aren't a good poet! I think you are a great one, but sometimes my critism is more than is needed...
 
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The_CapricornianThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Oct. 26 at 5:41 pm:
Not too bad, but it’s a little choppy for its own good.  Also, in my opinion, you don’t need those last two lines (for I like abrupt endings like what the third to last line would give).  Finally, I would suggest using a thesaurus to find some stronger adjectives, and to help with repetition of some words.  Sorry if this seems a bit critical, I’m just trying to help make you a better writer here.
 
Carly_ElizabethThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
yesterday at 6:51 pm :
Haha no it's totally ok. I need some critism cause I know I cna be a better writer than I am so thanks for helping it means a lot. And yeah I see now what you mean by I don't need the last two lines and using stronger adjectives. Thanks so much for reading!
 
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