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rebellious fantasies

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I
am timid.
am not free.
need help.
need this.

Sometimes, when I
am dissatisfied
I find myself fantasizing.
Realistic things, unrealistic things

A shouting match
Me, telling them off
A perfectly timed comeback
Can you imagine?

I keep them to myself
(shutupshuptup)
I retell them to myself
(pleasestoptalking)
I ask, could this happen?

I shout
I lock myself away
I cut my wrists
but not
really.

Never
(shutupshutup)
really.

Even the most
insane
of my fantasies--
at some point, I believe in them.
at some point, I believe that they can help.
at some point, I believe that I can do it.

...

Once
you shout at me
I pull my response
right out of a rebellious
fantasy of mine.

It fails. I lose.
I'm not strong enough. You win.

After all,
it was only a fantasy.



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catwithglasses said...
Aug. 3, 2013 at 12:06 pm
This is really cool. I really like it. Really good job! Keep writing.
 
Jack_Denim replied...
Aug. 25, 2013 at 1:49 pm
Thank you so much ^^.
 
The_Introvert said...
Aug. 3, 2013 at 3:10 am
Oh my gosh. This is amazing. I think this is something every agnostic/atheist can relate to. I'm lucky enough to have parents who are also atheists, but we all used to be devoutly Christian, and I lost a lot of friends in the transition from Christian to atheist. Just remember that there will always be like-minded people out there, people who are willing to share their experiences and listen to yours. :)
 
Jack_Denim replied...
Aug. 25, 2013 at 1:56 pm
Thank you ^^ I wrote this and other poems like this a couple months ago when my parents forced me to assist with Vacation Bible School. The rebellious fantasies have always been there, but in the week I wrote this poem they were more frequent than ever. Fantasizing is fun, but ultimately it ends and the feeling is inverted. I wrote about it for two reasons--to explain this problem to other people, and to get the positive feeling of the fantasies without the letdown when they don't result in ... (more »)
 
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