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Stop! No, You Stop!
July 25, 2013
Here we go again.
Days drift off like balloons.
Everytime the sky fills up
with a retreating color,
I still wonder about you.
Notes tied on become rained out.
Messages dry in time.
Smeared words can't be found.
I'll never know what you meant.
A visible sadness is ignored.
A hug might help,
but thorns rise now.
Screams drown out the intention.
Second nature yells.
Forget about the balloon.
By the time you look,
she's gone too.
Pain flys away,
capturing any hope of love.
Heartstrings were so close,
but stray so far away now.
Tiptoes make you fall hard.
Inevitable end,
stuck on play
until the scenes sink in.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way.
© Simone P., Summerville, SC
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This article has 16 comments.
on Aug. 2 2013 at 4:28 pm
"Tiptoes make you fall hard." Ahhh, I love that line. The first and second stanzas are very beautiful. Good job
WriteOrWrong BRONZE said...
on Aug. 1 2013 at 6:50 pm
Thank you for your feedback!
WriteOrWrong BRONZE said...
on Aug. 1 2013 at 3:57 pm
Thank you! Flies, I know, such a frivilous mistake. Silly me :)
writefearless SILVER said...
on Aug. 1 2013 at 9:39 am
i so love the lines, Pains flys (flies) away, capturing any hope of love... Tiptoes make you fall hard, i think they are very meaningful. amazing piece :)
WriteOrWrong BRONZE said...
on Jul. 31 2013 at 7:27 pm
A distinct voice! Yay! Thank you or reading. And it's interesting that you likes te last stanza. I actually wasn't sure about that one, I was considering removing it so thank you for that. Let me know if you would like any feedback.
LoonyLoopyLupin GOLD said...
on Jul. 31 2013 at 4:33 pm
The last stanza in particular really speaks to me. "stuck on play/ until the scenes sink in". Beautiful. I also love the balloon metaphor. You have a really cool way of expressing your perspective: I've read a few of your things, and you've got such a distinct voice going on. It's great. I like the way you write. :)
WriteOrWrong BRONZE said...
on Jul. 31 2013 at 3:45 pm
Thank you so much! I actually have. I wrote a piece for a contest last month, and ever since then I have been writing fiction short stories. Right now I am waiting for three of them to be published on teen ink.
Carpe-Caffeam GOLD said...
on Jul. 31 2013 at 2:45 pm
I love how you used short lines to really get your action across. Have you ever attempted fiction? I personally think it would be a great avenue for you as you have already mastered the action bits. :D Anyways, keep on writing!
WriteOrWrong BRONZE said...
on Jul. 30 2013 at 4:57 pm
Thanks! Oops that's embarrassing! I had a late night with this one so my brain wasn't really at its editing best. I will make sure to change that.
WriteOrWrong BRONZE said...
on Jul. 30 2013 at 4:55 pm
Thanks for the encouragement!
Superhero_Fan SILVER said...
on Jul. 30 2013 at 3:16 pm
Great job! I don't know why, but I think the last line was my favorite. It just seemed the most powerful to me! This sounded like a romance, and on the line 'she's gone too.' I felt sad for him. My only critique, is that on the first line of the fifth stanza, it says 'pain flys away'. I think you meant 'flies'. That's all I could find though! Good job, and keep it up!
This is a really nice poem with a lot of potential. Again, I love your choice of a running metaphor, but I think some of your word choices are off. This sounded really good spoken aloud with no rhythm, but its because I couldn't find a rhythm to it. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but it kind of worked. Other than that, nice work!
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