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i suck at being a person (or; i don't know how to be better)

when i say
i suck as a person
don’t correct me

i don’t mean
that i don’t deserve to live
or that i would prefer death

i just mean—
i suck at being
a person

there are a thousand thousand
people much better
at peopling

than little
old
me

i’m unmotivated
and decidedly selfish
and i’ve crossed off
six of the seven deadly sins

and i make it a habit
to break hearts
just to see the pieces scatter

i don’t do my homework
and my bed remains unmade
(i’ll just mess it up)

i don’t know
what i want to do with
my life

and my parents
spend more time being
disappointed in me
than they do breathing

and my computer
is
shamefully

my best friend
and
my one true love

i drink too much coffee
and spend too much time
on my makeup

i overthink things
and overanalyze
just to drive myself crazy

i hurt other people
accidentally, mostly
and wonder why they
walk away from me

and i hurt myself
a lot—
more than i should

and i convince myself
that i deserve it
just to soothe the guilt

and the thing
that makes me worse
than everyone else

is the fact that
even with people showing me how
i can’t love
the person i see
in the mirror

(and that’s why
i suck
as a person)



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