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i suck at being a person (or; i don't know how to be better)

when i say
i suck as a person
don’t correct me

i don’t mean
that i don’t deserve to live
or that i would prefer death

i just mean—
i suck at being
a person

there are a thousand thousand
people much better
at peopling

than little

i’m unmotivated
and decidedly selfish
and i’ve crossed off
six of the seven deadly sins

and i make it a habit
to break hearts
just to see the pieces scatter

i don’t do my homework
and my bed remains unmade
(i’ll just mess it up)

i don’t know
what i want to do with
my life

and my parents
spend more time being
disappointed in me
than they do breathing

and my computer

my best friend
my one true love

i drink too much coffee
and spend too much time
on my makeup

i overthink things
and overanalyze
just to drive myself crazy

i hurt other people
accidentally, mostly
and wonder why they
walk away from me

and i hurt myself
a lot—
more than i should

and i convince myself
that i deserve it
just to soothe the guilt

and the thing
that makes me worse
than everyone else

is the fact that
even with people showing me how
i can’t love
the person i see
in the mirror

(and that’s why
i suck
as a person)

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