I wonder if in the three seconds between slip and slam that she knew it was going to end

Body to concrete on a cement floor

Did memories flash behind her eyes?

Like the lights of police cars flying down the streets of the city that she was always too afraid

to explore

Fear

Fearfulness doesn’t seem like a quality that’s worth much

But fear calls people to action

Actions like calling your cell phone minute after minute while you’re sitting on your best friend’s couch in the next town over continuously hitting the end call button because you know that she knows where you are-


She’s just second guessing herself again

I never thought I would miss that fear

The fear that made me roll my eyes and inflect my voice in just the way that I thought would let her know that I could take of myself


But in reality just made me out to be a cliche- I know everything- Leave me alone- I don’t want to talk to you- You’re ruining my life- Ignorant- teenager

Ignorance

Ignorant to the fact that nothing is permanent and plans are simply our way of pretending that things won’t change

-----------------------------------


That jolt in your chest when you lean back too far in your

Too much fun desk chair


Is that the last thing she felt?

I feel it every night at 7:01 PM

When it hits me that I won’t be getting anymore “Just wanted to check in and see how you’re making out” phone calls that I wouldn’t have picked up anyway

I feel it every time I have to look into my grandfather’s eyes and tell him that his wife died on January the 22nd of 2013

Because the dementia in his brain is tearing apart his mind and ripping away his memories like his mom used to rip off the band-aids leaving him to wonder why his bed is so empty

I feel it every time I sneak a glance at my father as we sit on the couch watching comedy central attempting to carry out our Friday night ritual while the emptiness echoes through the house louder than our forced laughter every could

I feel it every time my mother refers to it as pop-pop’s house

Leaving a pause right after as if to recognize the missing piece, but not daring to fill it in for fear of

Pushing



Me



Over




The











Edge

-----------------------------------

The doctor said she didn’t have a chance

That her skull had s h a t t e r e d


And that her brain had swollen so immensely that any attempt at reconstruction would be both a waste of resources and false sense of hope and security

But the swelling of her brain was nothing compared to the swelling of her heart

The heart that overflowed with



Laughter


Joy


And

The Motivation that pushed her to help everyone around her never stopping to take a breath of air

The motivation to support her family before herself because we were always more important



The motivation to hold us up when all we wanted to do was give up and fall


D


O


W


N

-----------------------------------

People are always telling me that I’m just like her

That my heart is bigger than my brain and that occasionally I need to break through this sea of other people’s problems and refill my lungs with my own hope and my own possibility

I think that between



All of the bedtime stories she would whisper as we laid in bed watching shadows crawl across the walls



All of the predictably comforting voice mails she would leave


And all of the conversations over breakfast when our minds were still in that hazy place between dreaming and consciousness

The overflow her heart just couldn’t handle found its way out and found its way to me

And I will never stop swimming