Dear friend,
This will be your final notification.

Due to numerous breaches of contract,
I must regretfully retract the following
From our now mashed and mangled friendship:

One, a card,
Finished off with some form of inside joke scribbled on the back cover,
Or perfectly worded sympathetic message,
For your birthday, Christmas,
The death of your great aunt
And/or your wedding day.

Two, any such accompanying calls or celebrations,
For previously mentioned events.

Three, relationship advice of any and all kinds.
Along with any pep talks, compliments, or other necessary encouragement,
Desired before first dates.
Additionally, any help with your hair
Or mention as to whether or not
Your outfit is too s*****
(Though it probably is)

Four, rides to and/or from dangerous locations
When you are too drunk to drive
But too scared to walk.

Five, accompaniment to the ladies room
During any event or double date in which
It is quite rude to go by oneself.

Six, tubs of ice cream
And open arms in the wake of whichever boy
Has ripped apart your heart this time.

And finally, seven:
Any and all memories
Associated with myself.
Any and all events involving me
In which you enjoyed yourself,
learned something new,
Or finally came out of that tiny shell
Of yours.

These belong to me.

This is your final notification.