Correlation

, Gainesville, FL

And breaths like thunder roll in devastation,

An uphold of a meek temptation,

And slender vessels fill in hesitation,

Entwined into a stimulation,

Of thoughts like brief improvisation,

And nothing else will make an emulation,

Of warm and comforting sensation,

Why ending like some animation?

Somehow constructing accusation,

Of such a perfect correlation,

In an imperfect situation,

Decisions fail to sculpt creation,

An essence strained with limitation,

The future dulls illumination.

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TraceOfSpades said...
yesterday at 6:37 pm:

As a whole, this piece creates entangled, confusing imagery. The wordplay makes it seem as though multiple different themes are being tackled at once, which isn't a problem, per se, but the way it's structured makes it clunky and misdirectional. Not to say the piece is bad, however, as the words to cast some creative imagery. I would say, in total, to perhaps revise for a more definitive meaning. If one point were to be established throughout, you could make this piece go from Silver to Gold.

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stopevanescence replied...
today at 5:37 pm :

Thanks for the advice! My purpose was more to create a structure and rhythm rather than to have the perfect description of a specific moment. It's a description of my situation, which is probably why it seems confusing to those who don't know me personally. I read some of your work though, and you're really good. Our styles are really different though.