I'm Starting To Love You

You know, it’s sickening, how much I’ve realized that I need you.

Playing my sport through high school is the biggest obstacle in my life. Stupid, I know, but throughout the months of August, September, and October, I’m sick to my stomach. I hate it so much. I feel like I can’t match up with everyone else. As if I can’t do it. As if nobody believes in me. But when I’ve just talked to you, or when I’ve just hung out with you, I feel invincible to it. As if I can conquer it.

That’s why I’m still not sure what "phase" I’m at.

Is it still infatuation?

Or is it beyond that?

I think I’m kind of in between.
Because even though I haven’t admitted it to you, I still do feel that kind of fireworkish feeling sometimes. But all at the same time, I don’t..it’s more so that constant feeling that you were describing to me. Like the feeling has moved from my stomach to my chest.

I used to never believe in love in high school, but I really don’t know now. Because what I feel for you isn’t just “liking” you. And I know that for a fact. I honestly feel as if by the time the six month rolls around, I can look you in the eye and say, “Baby, I love you.”

But I still don’t want to be a “stupid teenager.” One that thinks it’s actually “love” when really it’s just “limerence” and “puppy love.”

I know that I’m realistic though. And I think that it’s completely realistic for you to be my first love.

I’m not so sure if it’s realistic for you to be my last.

We’ve had too many downs for me to actually envision us getting married. But all at the same time, I can’t see myself being the way I am around you around anyone else. I mean, it’s taken me 16 years to find someone outside my family that I’m actually ME around.

I feel like you’re fully beyond the whole infatuation phase.

Why do I think that?

Well I realized that you don’t seem to feel the need to have to talk to me 24/7 anymore, or try your hardest just to see me for a minute.

Which is okay.

Because we do need to establish separate lives again to progress our relationship.

And I want our relationship to progress!

I just wish that right now, you still felt the need to see me as much as I really need to see you.
Because I feel absolutely sick right now.

I just need to talk to you. To hear your voice. To see your face.

I have never felt like this about anybody before.

I love you.

No I don’t.

I like you.

No I don’t.

I really like you.

No I don’t.

I’m starting to love you.

I wonder how you would feel if I showed you what I just wrote.

But you’ll never see this.

Ever.