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Never Ever

You’ll never know how perfectly my face fits into the crack of my knees when I’m crying or how well the denim soaks up the tears.

You’ll never know that every time I think of you I smile, just thinking of all the memories we share.

You’ll never know that when I pull out an eyelash, I make a wish. I never wish for something for me, I just told you that so you don’t feel guilty. Late at night when I can’t sleep, I wish you could sleep well and have a nice dream. You’d probably think I was crazy with my eyes squeezed shut and a long black eyelash on my fingertip.

You’ll never know that I cried when you were moving and I was going to go to the movies with you for the last time ever and my mom forgot to take me. I cried so hard.

You’ll never know how sad I get when we play-insult each other and I realize you’ve never said something nice to me.

You’ll never know that I keep little knick-knacks that remind me of you on my “Shelf of Honor” in my room. I dedicated four whole shelves of the unit just to you.

You’ll never know the feeling of running out of tears and just sitting there curled up in a ball silently sobbing with red eyes and a runny nose, dreaming of what could have been.

You’ll never know how safe I feel around you, how sometimes I walk really close behind you, just like a shadow, because I’m scared. You were like my eeren, or protector spirit, except I knew deep down that if anything happened you would be hiding behind me. I am smart and reasonable under pressure, you would say.

You’ll never know how discouraged I am that you are leaving me, because nobody knows me as well as you do, and you don’t even know everything. I feel like I’m starting over.

You’ll never know how vulnerable and alone I feel at school without you, like a fish out of water.

You’ll never know how alike y’all are, how you make the same facial expressions and act the same after over a year apart.

You may know me better than everyone else, but

You’ll never know how much I care.

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HaileySanden This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 4, 2013 at 2:14 am
This is good. Really good. It reminds me of ways I can't really expalin. It just reminds me of realtionships, and all their pain, and all their happiness, and everything that falls inbetween. Really good.
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