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The eagle spreads its wings to soar up high,
ascending to the heavens. Feathers drop
from giant wings, soon hidden by the blazing sun.
We look at this and squint our eyes, complaining.
We miss the beauty of the sun, intent
to find the brilliance of an eagle. Men
are stupid, in that way—to look for something
Less, and curse the Great outshining it.



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thatunknownthingThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Feb. 14, 2013 at 6:14 am:
Hey, If you still there on teenink, can you look at some of my poems now?
 
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thatunknownthingThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Dec. 15, 2012 at 3:53 am:
i really liked the way you phrased he first four lines (...of an eagle) and agree with your last two as well, though you could have, i feel, framed them less bluntly. but a great message.
 
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FashionThief said...
Aug. 25, 2012 at 3:58 pm:
Interesting idea containing a decent amount of truth.  good job
 
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Eirias said...
Jul. 17, 2012 at 5:22 am:

I really detest TeenInk's formatting. Let's see if this is any better:

 

The eagle spreads its wings to soar up high,

Ascending to the heavens. Feathers drop

From giant wings, soon hidden by the blazing sun.

We look at this and squint our eyes, complaining.

We miss the beauty of the sun, intent

To find the brilliance of an eagle. Men

Are stupid, in that way--to look for something 

Less, and curse the Great outshining it.

 
Black_Rose_Princess replied...
Aug. 1, 2012 at 2:25 pm :

Terrific! I really liked your imagery and descriptions! They were very vivid and your message at the end is very true!

And for the actual criticism part:

1. The beginning of the second line seems a bit awkward in context. Perhaps change it to "As it ascends to the heavens"?

2. In the third line, what is hidden by the sun? The feathers or the wings? Make that a bit clear.

3. The fifth and sixth lines were a bit confusing and awkward. More specifically, the sixth lin... (more »)

 
Eirias replied...
Aug. 1, 2012 at 5:27 pm :
Thanks! "As it ascends to the heavens" isn't in iambic pentameter. Does it really matter whether it's the wings or feathers hidden?
 
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