Aloof

May 21, 2012
By Basya44 PLATINUM, Brighton, Massachusetts
Basya44 PLATINUM, Brighton, Massachusetts
36 articles 1 photo 77 comments

Down the dark hole
There is a sight
A white kite
That has blown
Through winds
And sailed seas
That’s dreamed the dreams
Of heightened heaves
Shuddered in frost
Burned in heat
Orange leaves fall off the tress
Onto my hair
Highlights breezed
The swing it swings
As they grow weed
The moon returns
It has been through hell
You have cast a spell
My world trembles
Parallelisms curse
The shining gun
Has yet to shoot
Be careful
Too aloof
Not here
Parallelism is everywhere
I clench my fist with all my might
All I can do
Focus, stare
Ground myself
In roots and dirt
Feel my toes
Wet grease
Red nails
Tease
The chair is brown
The couch is blue
All I can do is think of you
Intensity is rare
Quite a scare
I can handle
Take -share?
Parallelism is care
Your doings
Like a tree
Affecting me
Not you. Just me
Don’t you see?
The voice it’s shrill
The buzz
It rings through streets
Hums through Villas
May seem far
But oh so close
Can’t you hear?
An overdose
It never heeds
Just push and shove
Through the crowds
Through gooey mud
Candles drip
Wax shrinks
Control is lost
Bursts the seed
Inside out
Leaving me
Brain commands
Desire stands



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This article has 12 comments.


on Jun. 20 2012 at 12:18 am
HaileySanden PLATINUM, Folsom, California
25 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing."
-Benjamin Franklin

I’ve been putting this off for far too long now. I guess it’s because I’m being too unrealistic. That’s probably why. I want to say something special, or at least original, and now I’m sounding weird. It’s 10:16PM. It may not say that when I post this because I’m on the west coast and Teen Ink’s times are all askew for me. But what was I saying? Right. Unrealistic me. I guess I’m sort of bad at responding to poetry because I hardly understand it myself, and I was completely stunned by your comment, by the way. People like you are the reason I’m so addicted to this site (it’s getting out of control. I’m supposed to be writing a novel…). I don’t even really care if people even mean what they say when they compliment me. I’d still feel awesome if I got a comment saying I suck at life, just because I'd know someone read something I wrote. It’s VALIDATION, that’s what it is. Someone out there acknowledging that you did something with your time.

Back on topic. This poem is profound. I can’t think of any other word to describe it. Except, maybe, beautiful. It has a wonderful sound when you read it out loud, and the rhymes almost catch you off guard (in a good way). The parallelism bit is fantastically witty. You can get lost in it, and that means the words are doing their job.

This comment is unnecessarily long. Like I said, I wanted to say something special. Or at least original. I’d say I accomplished that.


on Jun. 16 2012 at 8:37 pm
Basya44 PLATINUM, Brighton, Massachusetts
36 articles 1 photo 77 comments
That would be awesome. Thanks:)

ryry116 BRONZE said...
on Jun. 15 2012 at 10:35 pm
ryry116 BRONZE, Perry, Iowa
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
I know right!

Hey! I really like your word choices! You should definitely keep up the work, I have some fellow authors of mine that are in books im in, I'll see if I can bring this up to them, thanks.

Joshua. GOLD said...
on Jun. 15 2012 at 1:06 pm
Joshua. GOLD, Las Vegas, Nevada
10 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: Who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?" - Hunter S Tompson

I really like your word-play in your work. You write great!

on Jun. 10 2012 at 11:32 am
eliana_anastasia11 SILVER, Naperville, Illinois
8 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don’t shine so others can see you. Shine so that, through you, others can see Him."
C.S.Lewis

You picked the perfect words and I love your metaphors that you used! You have a style of writing that I really like! Great Job!:)

on Jun. 6 2012 at 9:01 pm
subliminal96 GOLD, Kent, Ohio
10 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I have no nation to fight for... my country is the earth and I am a citizen of the world."

Beautiful word choice- masterful use of rhyme and assonance. I love the mood the poem communicates (aloof)! Wonderful imagery as well- gooey mud. I'm having TeenInk email me when you post new pieces :).

on Jun. 6 2012 at 6:59 pm
Basya44 PLATINUM, Brighton, Massachusetts
36 articles 1 photo 77 comments
I think it creates mystery and surprise when the reader has to seperate the mood by themselves, but thank you for the advice guys:)

on Jun. 6 2012 at 6:43 pm
realbeautifulheart PLATINUM, Livermore, California
21 articles 1 photo 55 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life is a package that you have to sign for. Yes, it's free. No, there's no guarantee as to what it holds. Open with caution, it's 'FRAGILE'." (I made this up.)

Good imagery, but I have to admit, I got lost a few times because you didn't separate stanzas and I wasn't sure if you were on the same subject or if you had moved on. Altogether, very well written. I can tell you are pretty confident by the way you write. Keep it up! :)

MadHater said...
on Jun. 6 2012 at 5:12 pm
MadHater, Trophy Club, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 71 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
-Abraham Lincoln

or

"The price of success is responsibility."
-Winston Churchill

WELL WRITTEN. THE IMAGERY IS VERY NICE. A SUGGESTION WOULD BE TO SEPERATE STANZAS, AS THERE ARE A LOT OF MOOD CHANGES IN THE POEM ITSELF. BUT VERY GOOD.

lshem BRONZE said...
on Jun. 6 2012 at 4:37 pm
lshem BRONZE, Burien, Washington
2 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
\"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.\"
- Unknown

I love your Imagery

 


on Jun. 6 2012 at 3:57 pm
Basya44 PLATINUM, Brighton, Massachusetts
36 articles 1 photo 77 comments
Thanks. I like to use few words because it's more metaphorical that way:)

on Jun. 6 2012 at 3:43 pm
Kestrel PLATINUM, Warrenton, Virginia
30 articles 11 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
-There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. (Shakespeare, Hamlet)

I like both of your poems, Basya, but it is a little hard to follow them both because they are long, for one, but also because they describe so much in so few words that it's dificult to get a grip on the subject. I still really like them both, though, keep writing, and submit more!


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