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"Unheard Song"

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His eyes of teal left me breathless
While he sang his song
It truly did steal me nonetheless
Knowing it would not be long.

Days and days passed by
With the same gaze
I knew not why
It was like a maze.

His laugh of modesty
Seeing the crooked smiles
Portrayed with honesty
Willing to walk a thousand miles.

With mystery behind us
He said it was strange
Unknown lying before us- it was a must,
But far out of range.

Days and days passed by
With the same gaze
I knew not why
It was like a maze.

In still moonlight
He walked home with thought
Didn’t put up a fight
Though we both desperately sought.

Strumming with sentiment
Singing with meaning-
His song of contentment
Stretches out- leaning.

We said goodbye.
Who knew it was forever.
Our spirits still high-
We’ll give up never.




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This article has 11 comments. Post your own!

Black_Rose_Princess said...
Aug. 25, 2012 at 1:34 am:
Although a bit sad, there is still a tinge of hope in this. Your message and meaning is very optimistic and is one that I think everyone should take to heart. Your narrative told a very interesting story with great descritption and tons of emotion. One thing did stick out to me though: you attempt to rhyme in this poem and for the most part, it is good, but in some places it is a bit obvious that they rhyme was forced. For example, the last line and that makes the poem sound a bit off.  
 
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Kiki_McGee said...
Aug. 15, 2012 at 11:04 am:
I like it! I love how you twisted the perspective from being negative about the situation to positive.
 
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Kiki_McGee said...
Aug. 15, 2012 at 11:04 am:
I like it! I love how you twisted the perspective from being negative about the situation to positive.
 
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LadyFreeWillThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 14, 2012 at 4:27 pm:
  Hello, here to critique your poem! Let’s start off:   You’ve got a free verse narrative with an ABAB type rhyming scheme, zero spelling mistakes, a couple of grammatical errors, and very little punctuation problems, and yet I’m going to give you a 2.5/5 which will be rounded to a 3/5.   Let’s see why:   Now, I generally don’t read what an author has to say about their piece until afterwards, when I begin to review, but seeing as y... (more »)
 
Indiewriter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Aug. 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm :
While I appreciate your criticism and thought you put into your reply, I think you took it a little bit too seriously. I wrote this when I was in 7th grade, and though it may seem like it, the ryhming was not forced at all. Clearly, I'm not a "sophisticated" writer. I do it because I enjoy it , and it's also my outlet. I guess  you'd be a really good person to talk to if I was writing a college essay. haha. I'm sorry you didn't get the message I was going for, ... (more »)
 
Indiewriter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Aug. 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm :
Oh and where you said "this piece doesn't have it". (Perspective). I think it's pretty clear. As you can see it's about two people that can't be together, so, to put it simply, they're upset. However, I'm not writing a heartbreak poem about how my heart was torn out. I put it in a different PERSPECTIVE- positive- and looked at all the happy moments in the relationship. If you still don't understand, that's ok, just thought I'd give it one more atte... (more »)
 
LadyFreeWillThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Aug. 15, 2012 at 10:24 am :
I'm glad that you aren't terrible offended. Sometimes I am a little over critical, and there are those who can't take harshness very well. Haha, 7th grade is when I started writing poetry! It was only like two years ago, and it sort of sucked, too. ;)
 
Indiewriter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Aug. 15, 2012 at 2:35 pm :
haha yea. I never said it sucked; it's just not well organized.
 
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maddyhatter said...
Apr. 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm:
Perspective is every thing :)
 
Emma-Riley replied...
Aug. 13, 2012 at 8:03 pm :
oh ma gosh, AMAZING! (: i furrealz love that! it's so amazing, and i can absolutly picture that in my head. great use of imagery, i love being able to "see" what i'm reading!
 
Indiewriter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Aug. 14, 2012 at 12:48 am :
Thank you so much!! That means a lot(:
 
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