Till It's Over

my knees are weak
head ringing
palms stinging
cuz i've fallen too many times
i've tried to stop
more than the number of stars
that shine at night
like a beacon of light
from God
tellin' me i have to quit
i'm bout done with this s***
i just can't sit
around
and do this anymore
i'm killin' myself slowly
with every inhale of that tarnished haven
my white heart gets blacker
and i must admit
i'm probably an addict
(killin' myself)
cuz i'm over here dying
filled with the shame and lies
of letting you down
and breaking my promise of staying clean
i look around
my bedroom, catch a gleam
see a loaded gun on the ground
tentatively pick it up without making a sound
put it to my head and almost pop it
but my fingers are shakin'
i just about lose control and have to turn it
away
i realized that i couldn't take
my life away from those who love me
cuz i love you too
though for all the love for me
i don't see why you don't see like i do
i drop my pistol now
watch it fall silently down
and lay there dead on my bedroom floor
walk over to the door
unlock it
and know, that my fate isn't sealed
there's no contract keeping me this way
depending on which path i say
i'll take,
i just don't know how
i'm ever going to get out
of this mental hurricane of disaster
it's whirlin' around in my heart and brain
makin' me go insane
i may never get the chance to confess
i'm trying to become more of a person
never less
i know it'll be hard for sure
but i can endure
no more of this pain
that makes me fake a smile
keep it glued upon my face for awhile
it throws me into an abyss
full of betrayal and emptyness
and i think you deserve to know
that i'm just searchin' for some closure
this truama will never fully leave me
No-
but i'll be with it till it's over.