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Daddy's Womb This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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ebony_is_beautiful_1 said...
Dec. 26, 2008 at 6:49 am:
Listen, this poem may sound nice when read aloud. It may flow and some parts may ryhm, but it is not the best poem entered in this contest. I find it confusing (and not in the "wow, that is so abstract!" kind of way), and in some places contradictory of itself. (Not to mention the errors that should have been caught in a proof-reading.) I would not bother to leave such constructive crtisism if the poem had not been on the top for so many days. It is time to let some other pieces rise -... (more »)
 
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maria-chan said...
Dec. 23, 2008 at 6:01 pm:
I think I would've enjoyed this poem more if there had a purpose to it. It started out strong and I could relate, but then I totally lost you. Work on it some more.
 
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julia said...
Dec. 23, 2008 at 5:42 pm:
hey crich897,
do you try to go to every poem just to criticize it? how about you try writing a poem
 
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longtermaddict said...
Dec. 20, 2008 at 10:32 pm:
Ok, so I love writing reviews, but this one has got to be the hardest. On one level, it's vastly immature and hard to follow. The structure is alright, but the content is all wrong. A. It has an immaturity like I've never seen in a teen poem. It's boring and unoriginal and I think it could use a lot of work. For instance, kicking up the maturity level. You ARE a teenager.
B. I found it very hard to follow, as I said before. I, being a teenage poet myself, can critique this poem to an incr... (more »)
 
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ktshrimp18 said...
Dec. 19, 2008 at 2:04 am:
I really liked this poem and how you expressed yourself. Keep writing! : )
 
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word_addict said...
Dec. 19, 2008 at 1:26 am:
wow, crich897... you're just a poetry genius, aren't you? you can have your opinions, but you don't have to be so rude and downright belligerent about them.

personally, i like the poem a lot. im sure many kids can relate to the message, i know i can. its beautifully written :] keep up the amazing work, i'd love to read more.
 
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JelloGoMoo said...
Dec. 18, 2008 at 6:35 pm:
This is a really nice poem and it makes me smile even if all the others say the part about the chain makes them sad or something. You're great even if the spelling might be bad. xP
 
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beginningpoet said...
Dec. 29, 2008 at 5:34 pm:
That was such a beautiful poem. Keep it up.
 
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crich897 said...
Dec. 29, 2008 at 7:38 pm:
word_addict: Yes, I was pretty critical of the piece. But the criticism was solely constructive - for use as a help further down the road. I don't know if you noticed, but I encouraged Carl at the end to keep on writing and see what else he can come up with! My comment was nowhere near as spiteful as "longtermaddict"'s is. Please read the entire comment before being a jerk.
 
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BellaEzrebetFang said...
Dec. 29, 2008 at 10:23 pm:
It's like you're given hope and then you're pulled back again. :(
 
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arielle said...
Dec. 17, 2008 at 1:31 am:
nice carl--i feel horrible about all the bad comments...it's definitely just because they're jealous :D Amazing Job!!
 
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TWiN S4NCH3z said...
Dec. 16, 2008 at 2:55 pm:
i liked the poem but i didnt much enjoy the end but of all it was really good and i liked the way you expressed your feelings
 
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crich897 said...
Dec. 15, 2008 at 3:08 pm:
By the way... why is this still on top?!?
 
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Arnold said...
Dec. 15, 2008 at 12:59 am:
Nice poem!
 
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crich897 said...
Dec. 13, 2008 at 4:24 am:
You know, it's hard to take someone seriously when they use words like "dnt" or use the wrong form of the word "they're".
 
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Jai said...
Dec. 9, 2008 at 11:59 am:
Do you honestly think that rhyming will help your theme flourish? The message is good, and the rhyme sets up rhythm, but I think the verbiage seems a little remedial for my taste. Good Job though, I fully commend you from one writer to another...
 
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Redemption65 said...
Dec. 9, 2008 at 9:13 pm:
This is...strange. It is okay but I feel the idea of a kid wanting to fly in water is absurd.
 
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Mickey said...
Dec. 9, 2008 at 9:09 pm:
That poem was soooooooo.......cool.Keep writing my guess's in life are that your going to become an author of poetry.
 
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crich897 said...
Dec. 2, 2008 at 6:11 pm:
I have already commented this piece once, but there was something else I wanted to hit on real fast. Everyone is saying "Oh I love the uncapitalized "i"s and the capitalized "Father"! Well, uh, take another look. There are capitalized "I"s. No, they are not in strategic places. It was all a screwup.
 
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sing4ever94 said...
Dec. 5, 2008 at 12:55 pm:
I really liked your poem! It was very interesting to read and it conveyed a significant idea. I personally didn't notice any grammar issues because i think that the poem kept my attention! GREAT WORK!
 
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