Tears

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The last football game at Eagle Stadium.
Senior Night.
It’s sad for many people.
At least 1,000 people are leaving this high school.
But that’s not why I’m crying.
Did you hear me say “hi”?
Did you see the way she looked back at me?
I did.
I heard and saw this,
Because it’s what I did.
She looked back and sneered at me.
Does she not like me?
Am I too unpopular to hang out with her?
Am I too unpopular to say “hi” to her?
Apparently I am.
I thought she was really nice.
And now all I have to do is say “hi” for her to turn around and sneer at me.
It may not have been a sneer.
I only saw half of her face.
It could have been a pained smile.
A grimace.
And yet, it still hurt me.
Another sneer, another slash in my heart.
Another cut in my soul.
Another tug on my lifeline.
Why do I not fit in?
Why do I not belong?
Why?
Why?
Why?!
Is this how you repay me for being silent?
Is this how you repay me for being nice?
For being kind?
For being caring?
For not doing anything wrong?
Or is this just the way you made me God…?
Did you make me unpopular in the drumline for a reason?
Did you make me unpopular in my grade for a reason?
Did you make me unpopular in my school for a reason?
Is it to teach me a lesson how not every life is great?
I’ve been learning this lesson since 6th grade!
When will it stop?!
Every bad day is another slash in my heart.
Another cut in my soul.
Another tug on my lifeline.
I get it now, God.
I’ve kept quiet about things.
I’m smart.
I try the best I can.
But this just doesn’t help.
You make me so weak and fragile,
Yet so strong.
Some things hurt me easily,
But I can hide my emotions for weeks.
I can keep the tears in for months.
Years.
And I’ve been keeping them in my whole life.
But now I’m breaking.
Do you not see the cracks in my mask?
Do you not see the fractures in my soul?
Do you not see my heart breaking?
And so I let these tears fall,
In the darkness of my room with only my computer to provide light.
I let these tears fall,
Knowing that you see them.
Knowing that you care.
I let these tears fall,
Because I don’t have anything left to hold them back.





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