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Today I Want To Thank You

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i let you beneath my ribcage and between my thighs
and last night i cried into my pillow like it was somebody's chest
when i met you, i needed you, you were the bandaid over my bullet holes and somehow you must have known that one day i wouldn't bleed anymore
you must have known that i would not always need you
and i fought hard, not for you but for the idea that i let a little boy play hopscotch on my soul, and play hide and seek in my heart.
i fought for who you could have been
and last night was like the echo of war drums beating out bloodthirsty rhthyms in rings on clear ponds
your instable indefinition on what love should be sounds like a prescription that gets refilled without an appointment
your melodramatic mess of a life was the charity that i didn't want to give up on.
but baby understand that one day i didn't need you anymore.
and i know how it feels to just want somebody to want you back when the world has forgotten about you
but God doesn't create women to fill holes or graves or half empty cups
but i needed to see it for myself
and you showed me with your baby arms and baited words outstretched
from the crib that i have kept you in
and last night something terrifying and beautiful happened
last night there was a point when i stopped crying. and the gutted hole in my stomach seemed to stitch itself, and the colors began to bleed back into the black and white room.
last night i realized that i deserve a man who can want me, not need me.
last night i realized that bringing your name up is the only thing that could ever make me ugly.
like cheap foundation, you did the job for a while when i caked you on, to cover up the scars, but in reality all you did was make my skin oily. did you know that eventually i would stop shopping for my makeup at the grocery store?
that i have a pretty face, and that there is nothing that could hide that. did you know that one day i would go to the MAC counter?
that summer was a good one, and i promise i'll stop letting the wrong people know my story
i promise i'll stop talking to your mother like she is my own
and i promise that i have no feelings for you, and that your short stitches in my life are the kind that don't need to be removed once the skin has healed itself. i will remember our story when i find the man that will have my daughter, and i will remember the scars you've left when i see people in dark places only because theyre blind and not because there is so sunlight
last night i didn't sleep with your necklace clenched in my fist like a dying butterfly with broken wings
last night i got down on my knees and asked for God to take you out of my memory
and today i want to thank you for showing me how not to love





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