Life Fight

Smile, frown turn around don't know what to do so you go downtown and you go to the bar and you have a couple drinks now your spitting up blood in the bathroom sink. Bars done and it wasn't much fun and when you look outside the clouds are covering the sun so you walk down the street and try to cover up the pain but instead you get soaked by the down pour of rain. Then you pass out in the middle of the street to be picked up minutes later by Illinois State Police. They throw you in jail, in a small holding cell and your face right now's looking bitterly pale. At half past ten a doctor comes in and tells you your life is coming to an end.In the middle of the night the doctors verdict proves right and another human being has lost the life fight.





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Indiewriter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 14, 2011 at 8:21 pm
I really like this and the idea. The only thing I would say is to add maybe a few verses in the begining that says basically how much they get away with even though they're doing all these things wrong. Because it's not usually that easy and fast for someone to get caught and that way itll have more emotion and in the end people will feel more when he gets karma. good job!
 
WithPenAndScript said...
Aug. 8, 2011 at 9:52 pm
Its a good poem, but its formatted in a way that loses the natual flow and hinders the full emotions from impacting the reader.
 
JoPepper said...
Aug. 3, 2011 at 3:56 pm
This is my favorite poem of yours so far!!!!! I love the chantiness (If that's even a word)  Very good keep writing!!!!! :D
 
marissa87 said...
Aug. 2, 2011 at 2:58 pm
wow. deffinetley a tear jerker! this is realllllyyy good!! its like amazingg! i dont know how else to discribe it!
 
O_Riet said...
Aug. 1, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Intence poem. It's kinda . . . In the rough, though. It's got a beat, it just neads to be formatted that way.

It's one of those poems that's kind of depresing, but so true that it's incredible.

 
HannSawyer15 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 1, 2011 at 2:57 pm
Loved it. The only thing I would say is work on the formatting. But it was still really really good! Keep writing!
 
Snake_Tounge said...
Aug. 1, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Wow, I love this one, with so much meaning. It is good how you are like aware of this kinda stuff considering your age (yeah, like i can talk!) :)

On a more negative note, I just want to mention the lining (I have decided that that is what it is called) again.

As you can probs see from my comments (LOL, I told you that I would comment :D) and stuff that I love lining.

I think that if you did it, it would make your poems more powerful than they already are (and they are re... (more »)

 
Snake_Tounge replied...
Aug. 1, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Oops sorry, that posted twice .. :)
 
Like-a-Skyscraper said...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm
huh, well-spoken! I like the meaning. I think you couldve added puncuation though
 
thetruthawaits94 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 28, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Well, i don't have any friends that are on the site with me. It's pretty sad really. 

But I'm going to be holding a contest soon. Enter a new poem in that and if you win i will do something special that will help you get views! I'm going to give you a secret in on the contest : It's going to be called personification poetry contest. Hope you enter.

Also, I just try to help as many people out as i can in hopes that they will return the favor. Do that maybe (if you don... (more »)

 
thetruthawaits94 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jul. 28, 2011 at 8:25 pm
oops the site didn't take my post at first so i had to retype the entire thing... Little did I know it was going to post it a long time later grrrrrrr! TI infuriates me sometimes! Like how it has been 2 weeks and they still haven't put my poems up! I mean, what gives?!?!
 
thetruthawaits94 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 27, 2011 at 5:37 pm
I really like the meaning behind this poem! Great JOB! keep writing!
 
flawless200This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jul. 28, 2011 at 8:10 pm
thanks can you see if more people can give me some feedback
 
thetruthawaits94 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jul. 28, 2011 at 8:16 pm

well, I don't really have any friends on the site that i can recommend you to. I'm alone in this hobby of mine! :) kind of sad though,really.

Ummm, I was planning on judging my own poetry contest (it'll be in the forums) really soon. So be looking for it! Whenever i post it enter a poem in it (maybe a new one if you can). then, if you win, then I have a special prize thing that could help you out in getting more views. Plus, I'm going to give you a secret in on the contest: It's going ... (more »)

 
flawless200This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jul. 28, 2011 at 8:24 pm
cool I can help you judge if you need
 
flawless200This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jul. 28, 2011 at 8:27 pm
well im going to get offline I'll be back on tommorow i can see your reply then just  think about me helping you
 
thetruthawaits94 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jul. 28, 2011 at 8:28 pm
thanks! I think I'm good though. That would be kind of hard, don't you think? But try to enter okay?!
 
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