I'm Full, So Full

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I’m full
So full

I grab the folds and creases of my stomach
Ashamed of what I have done
Ashamed of my weakness

I am disgusted by the layers of fat and skin
Pinched between my unforgiving fingers

I’m full
So full

Of hate
For myself, for my lack of willpower
For the cycle I repeat
Constantly
For the needs, the cravings I strive to fill
An endless void of blackness and want

How can I let this happen again

Where is my strength
Where is the strong girl everyone sees
She is shrinking inside
Unable to stand up against the roaring of
My stomach or
My brain which insist they
NEED this now
Even though the strong, but timid, girl knows
They don’t

It’s not hunger
It’s not a primal need I must satisfy
It’s a hole of loneliness
Eating its way through my body
Overwhelming all in its path
Demanding to be satiated
Before it consumes me entirely

I eat to starve off this unending darkness
To hold back the clouds and shadows that threaten
To plug the black hole within
By the numerous squares of chocolate
To feel something, anything at all
In that empty gap between my heart and my hips

Even if it is feeling
Too full
Even if it is grabbing
These rolls of extra skin, which I wear to stay
Full





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