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Asthma

Asthma
Air.
It is vital. I used to take it for granted,
And the way my body works
Involuntarily
Lungs rising up, down, up down
All until
Suddenly
I was temporarily stripped of the privilege
of breathing.
It is very scary
To inhale
And find that there is nothing there.
Well, of course the air is still
THERE,
But my lungs have crumpled,
Like twin tin cans,
Out of order.
As the world spins farther out of my grasp,
And my hands, now cool and sweaty, clench like crab claws,
I want to remind you
How beautiful it is
To be able to take
A deep breath
Without having
To try.




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This article has 30 comments. Post your own!

BookOwl said...
Sept. 16, 2011 at 12:01 pm:
Wow this is really good, could you check out my work please?
 
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chloebear said...
Aug. 25, 2011 at 11:36 am:
i really like this! my only advice is that the "well, of course, the air is still THERE" seems to stop the flow of the poem and you should probably consider changing the wording. My favorite part is the opening, and if you have time, please check out my work!
 
CrazyBeautifulLifee replied...
Aug. 25, 2011 at 11:45 am :
Thanks ! I agree your suggestion , I'll definitely change that line ! (: About to check out your work now ! (:
 
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purplelessskin said...
Jul. 12, 2011 at 7:29 pm:
Really good message and emotion. Two lines (I used to take it for granted and It is very scary) are kind of simple and blunt and the wording doesn't seem poetic to me. If you changed them I think the poem would flow better. I really like it though.
 
CrazyBeautifulLifee replied...
Jul. 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm :
Thanks so much for your advice ! Now that I think about it, you're right ! My next draft I'll make those changes (: 
 
purplelessskin replied...
Jul. 17, 2011 at 9:29 pm :
Your welcome! Glad I could help. :) Keep writing!
 
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ElleNicole said...
Jul. 11, 2011 at 1:30 pm:

I stumbled upon this and I thought it was very good. Well done!

Comment and rate my poem, please? Thanks!

 
CrazyBeautifulLifee replied...
Jul. 15, 2011 at 1:19 pm :
Wow, thank you !! Gonnna check out your work now ! (:
 
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ThisGirlWillMakeMistakes said...
Jun. 20, 2011 at 11:19 am:
Wow i think this is really good, people who don't think about how priveleged they are to be able to breathe without trying, this is seriously amazing. i would like it if you could comment on some of my poems too(:
 
CrazyBeautifulLifee replied...
Jul. 15, 2011 at 1:18 pm :
Thanks so much ! I definitely will  (:
 
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madbunnymonique said...
May 29, 2011 at 6:31 pm:
This was amazing i love it its really good but it might have a different meaning to people who dont have Asthma
 
CrazyBeautifulLifee replied...
May 29, 2011 at 6:56 pm :
Thanks for the comment! I agree with you, for people who don't have asthma, they could think of it a totally different way.
 
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forgottenpenname This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 19, 2011 at 8:36 am:
Very good poem! I have asthma also, so I know where you're coming from with this, and it's a truly scary experience. I especially liked the lines "But my lungs have crumpled,/Like twin tin cans,/Out of order." Nice imagery, there. I also like how you refer to breathing as a "privilege" -- it really helps get your point across. Again, this is a great poem and I wouldn't be surprised if they published it. :) Good luck!
 
bieberl0ve15 replied...
May 20, 2011 at 10:04 pm :
This comment meant so much to me. I really hope I can get published in the magazine! (I see that you have...congratulations!) Thanks for the great feedback!
 
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bieberl0ve15 said...
May 18, 2011 at 9:36 pm:
Thanks for 100 views everyone! :)
 
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writingcheetah7 said...
May 9, 2011 at 2:32 pm:
great descriptions!! i love the lines "I was temporarily stripped of the privilige" and "But my lungs have crumpled/Like twin tin cans,/Out of order." really nice!! :)
 
bieberl0ve15 replied...
May 9, 2011 at 3:54 pm :
Wow, thanks! I really appreciate feedback like that. If you could check out my other poems (Smile, If Only, Untitled..) it would mean a lot! :)
 
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YoungsurvivorLiz said...
May 3, 2011 at 4:49 pm:
the fact that u expressed the way u personaly feel about asthma is really amazzing :) I can completely and totally understand u, i too long to have the privilege atleast once more to take a deep breath without it being hard && keep writing u r very good !!!!!!!!!!! 
 
bieberl0ve15 replied...
May 9, 2011 at 3:53 pm :
Thanks! (: Glad to hear you could relate to my piece! 
 
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ShmelmoThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 3, 2011 at 11:16 am:
This is a really good poem that I can relate to! Keep writing!
 
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